This Just In....

Dateline: Sunday, April 16, 2006

New Study Reveals Genetic Link to Debilitating Condition

For years women have suffered in silence, embarrassed and ashamed, with nowhere to turn for help. They have blamed themselves, and tried everything to help their loved ones overcome this terrible affliction. But new studies released today show that Garmentflingamania, or GFM as it’s more commonly known, has roots in human DNA. The gene responsible for this condition is carried on the Y chromosome, which proves conclusively that women are not responsible for the perpetuation of this disease, nor do they suffer from it, though they can pass the gene onto male offspring.

The disease strikes only males, rendering them incapable of identifying and utilizing laundry collection receptacles by blocking impulses to the optic nerve, and impairing synaptic function in the frontal lobe, which controls logic, judgment and impulse control. Scientists are still unsure how the disease progresses, but preliminary testing indicates that biological factors related to puberty cause the onset of symptoms which progress rapidly as the victim matures. Sadly, by the time most men reach their mid thirties they are completely incapable of properly disposing of soiled laundry. There is some evidence that strongly suggests GFM is related to an as yet unspecified syndrome which impairs the ability to distinguish clean garments from dirty ones.

Occasionally, females will display symptoms of GFM. However, this is usually a result of living in a predominantly male environment, and can be corrected with behavior modification therapy and positive reinforcement. Due to the genetic component of GFM, males will not respond to external stimulus, and to date, there is no known cure.

The repercussions of this disease are far-reaching and create a hazardous living environment for those who share a home or apartment with GFM sufferers. Victims often deposit garments on every available surface and square inch of floor space, sometimes completely obscuring furniture, pets, and small children. Recently, several alleged kidnappings were solved, thanks to the quick thinking of concerned neighbors, who suspected GFM and notified authorities that the victims might still be in the house. The tearful mother, when reunited with her children made this plea:

"I almost lost my children to GFM because we were too ashamed to seek help. Nobody should have to live with that kind of fear. Call the GFM hotline today. It’s not too late to get the help you need."

The children, though shaken, did not sustain any injuries or long term trauma from their ordeal. The family dog, sadly, perished under a mound of soiled undergarments. Authorities suspected that the pitiful pooch was overcome by fumes emanating from traces of fecal matter. The coronoer has confirmed skidmark intoxication as the cause of death.


Another woman, who has asked that her identity be protected had this to say:

"This is no way to live. I can’t even answer the phone because I just don’t know where it is. I try to stay positive for my kids though. At least I don’t have to vacuum."

The stress of living with GFM can tear marriages and families apart, but with proper education, information and support, victims and their families can lead normal productive lives. For more information about this disease, contact your local chapter of GFM Anonymous. Many chapters offer counseling on an individual or family basis.

Meanwhile research is ongoing, and scientists are hopeful that someday, they will be able to treat this disease at the genetic level. GFM is not a high profile disease, and funds are always lacking. Please help us find a cure by making a donation today.

“Don’t Get Buried by GFM”