And So It Begins

Last year, it was a daily struggle to get my 11 year old son to groom himself. He would blithely saunter out the door with food on his face and his hair in rioutous disarray. If his clothes happened to match, it was simply a happy accident. Shopping was pure, unadulterated torture. When I had to drag him along to try things on, he would quickly settle on the very first thing that fit, and then refuse to try on anything else.

This was both frustrating and freeing.

He would wear what I laid out each evening without question. He never complained about having to wear Target brand clothing. I'm not sure he even noticed. He never expressed any kind of preference, even though his peers were in the beginning stages of brand consciousness, precipitated by the materialism that seems so pervasive here.

Never have I known adults to be so focused on designer fashions and following trends. Who knew the affluent were such lemmings? But I can't think of any other explanation for the proliferation of SUV's (they don't make much sense economically or ecologically, after all) skinny pink cell phones and those ridiculous flippy hair do's.

Anyway...he never asked for the latest thing. He never cared.

This year, everything is different.

This year, suddenly, he is super conscious of looks, brands, trends....cool. And while part of me is happy that he finally cares enought to wipe the milk moustache off his upper lip before leaving the house, this extreme preoccupation with conformity is already driving me somewhat crazy.

Now, don't misunderstand me...I totally get wanting to be cool. I remember the fads that dominated my childhood and how I so longed to be like the other kids. I often wasn't, becase my parents simply couldn't afford Nikes, R.D. Simpson jeans, or genuine leather clogs with a wooden heel. And while I certainly don't want to promote the ideal that what you have and what you wear is more important than who you are, I can empathize with wanting to fit in. Nobody wants to be an outcast. Nobody wants to be the geek, the dork, the spaz, the doofus, the nimrod...or whatever misfits are being called these days.

In so many ways, self-esteem is grounded in these formative years. A kid that constantly finds himself on the outside looking in will eventually begin to believe that he belongs there. And I know from watching my younger sister struggle with feelings of worthlessness and inferiority well into her thirties that such a stigma can plague a person throughout their life.

So I find myself wondering how I can balance his very real need to fit in, with my own need to instill in him a strong sense of self, independant of fashion, fads, and material belongings. How do I make him a leader if I allow him to be a follower? And how do I make the point that there are times that it's okay to follow the crowd, and times that it's essential not to?

I don't have an answer for that.

Husband and I are both pretty self-assured and confident people. I think we tend to lead, rather than follow, in ways that matter. All I can hope is that our children will somehow absorb some of that.

Yesterday Pre-Pubescent One asked me to take him to a popular clothing store. I agreed, with the stipulation that I was not necessarily going to buy him anything should the prices turn out to be more exorbitant than I could afford.

I have to admit, that I enjoyed putting together outfits and basking in his approval at my choices. Until now, my entire brood has been thoroughly averse to shopping of any kind, and I've rarely had either company or an accomplice. It's a small thing, but I remember shopping with my Mom and how much fun we had. It's the kind of purely frivolous fun I never really expected to have with my boys. And it was fun.

When I agreed to purchase a pair of jeans that cost more than I've ever spent on any I've purchased for myself, I felt a little guilty about succumbing to the superficial standards that I've struggled with all my life and perpetuating such a harmful ideal in my son. But I also felt good knowing he would go to school Monday morning and feel cool.

The ear to ear grin on his face was pretty rewarding, but I think I bought those jeans as much for me as for him. I bought those jeans for the little girl who longed for clogs and designer jeans.

We'll work on being a leader some other day.