Women Are from Venus, Men are from the planet Hypersex

Today, I am getting a taste of what it must be like to be male.

I can't stop thinking about sex.

This is highly unusual for me.

For all of our married life, Husband and I have had gloriously mismatched libidos. I realize that this is not uncommon, but in our case, the degree of disparity was so marked that it became by far, the predominant issue in our marriage. And when the kids came along, it only got worse, especially during Diminutive One's infancy and toddlerhood, which was especially exhausting for me.

Sex became a chore. One more responsibility weighing on my shoulders. One more need to see to before I collapsed into a crumpled heap amid the bed clothes, not having bothered to brush or disrobe.

I began to resent Husband's constant demands. He began to resent that everyone and everything else took precedence over him.

It became a big problem.

But we managed to work through it. We've always been pretty good at communicating and eventually, we began to make some headway.

He realized that I felt overwhelmed and angry when he added another obligation to my lengthy list of responsibilties. He begant o understand that his entreaties for me to engage in sex with him when I was not in the mood reduced it to an empty, meaningless act for me. He had never considered that I might feel degraded or cheapened by that.

I began to realize that for him, sex was a way of getting close to me, not just physically, but emotionally. The commonly accepted wisdom is that women cannot separate sex and love, but I think that is a huge misconception. It's men who equate sex with love. Therefore, rejecting a sexual overature from my husband was a rejection of him as a person and a rejection of his love. It took me a really long time to get that, but eventually I realized that it wasn't just a ploy to get more sex.

So these days, we still have hugely differing sexual appetites. BUT...we've learned to compromise. I no longer see having sex when I'm not in the mood as the equivalent of a hooker performing a service. I see it as a wife doing something nice for her husband because she loves him.

He is more understanding when I have a headache, or I'm tired, or I have reached my need fulfillment threshold for the day. He doesn't pout or sulk because he has realized that a headache is really a headache, and not a barometer of my feelings for him.

That is not to say that he has not been patiently biding his time until I reach my sexual peak. He supposes that it should be happening aaaaaaaaaaany day now.

So, I think today might be the day.

Completely contrary to my customary inclinations, I am thoroughly and completely consumed with all things sexual. I can't seem to stop thinking about it. And it's agony. If this is what men go through their whole lives...well, all I can say is...those poor wretched bastards.

And I also find that I am a little disconcerted by the possibility that Husband will turn me down. I've never been in the position of being the aggressor before, and I find myself completely preoccupied with the fear that he will say NO. It's a thoroughly irrational fear, but it's definitely giving me a taste of his medicine.

It's all good though. I've gained some perspective. I won't say I'll never turn him down again, but...I might think about it a little harder before I do.

So, in honor of my newfound libido, and to keep me from molesting the meter reader, who is, at this very moment, poised over my meter in a most tantalizing manner, the insufferable tease (Don't defend him. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing), I'm going to list some of my unconventional fantasy men.

I have a tendency to crush on quirky, interesting and unique men. Not that I would toss George Clooney out of bed mind you, but it's more likely that George Costanza would catch my eye first.

Without further ado I give you:

Old Guys I Would Have Sex With:

• Sean Connery
  (Yes, I know he's a mysoginist. But I don't care. I want him to brogue me baby.)



• Sam Elliott. (He can give me a voice job any time.)



• Anthony Hopkins (He can eat my er, liver any time.)



• Morgan Freeman
  (He will always and forever be Easy Reader to me, and something about that Fro and those tight bell bottomed jeans.....)



• Patrick Stewart
  (I can't even watch Star Trek because I just about swoon when he says..."Come.")



• Hugh Laurie
  (He's not that much older than me, but he'll do just fine for my doctor fantasies)



• Michael Caine (Blame It on Rio. Nuff said)



• Sting (Young teacher, the subject of schoolgirl fantasies...)



• William H. Macy
  (I can't even explain that one.)

Interesting, Quirky, Somewhat Fugly But Undeniably Magnetic Guys I Would Have Sex With:

• Vin Diesel.
  (Besides the fact that he is purported to have a huge peen, again, it's the voice. Can't you just imagine him growling dirty things into your ear?)



• Steve Buscemi
  (Something about small, angry, foul mouthed little men with bad teeth turns me on, I guess)



• Tim Curry (But only as Frank N' Furter. There is something undspeakably erotic about a man in fishnets)



• Steven Tyler.
  (He is so fantastically ugly that he's almost beautiful. That's the only way I can explain it)



• Benicio Del Toro
  (again with the fantastically ugly, and because, he is Brat Pitt in twenty years.)



• Christopher Walken (I don't know. He's just so odd...he fascinates me.)



• Tim Roth (He is so GOOD at being BAD.)



• Gary Oldman (He was so. freakin. sexy. as Dracula)



• Stephen King (there is something undeniably sexy about genius)



• Bill Gates (Ditto)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a cold shower and wait for my husband, who might decline just to spite me, but whom, it is more likely, will burst into song.

I'll be all....

"Ohhhhhh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found youuuuuuuuuuu"

And he'll be all...

"Bow Chicka Bow Ow"

Think pure thoughts...think pure thoughts....