Ack-SEN-choo-ate The Positive

Boyyyyyyyy...that was some whiney shizz-it yesterday...wunnit?

That's one of the pitfalls of blogging, and one upon which I have pontificated before. Blogging gives one a platform for voicing all kinds of self-inudglent mental excreta and emotional disgorgement.

Well, I am embarassed. I really should be more grateful for what I have and the life that I have been given. Because, upon reflection, I have actually had quite and amazing run of good luck recently. Really. I can't remember a time when I have had so many amazing and wonderful things happen to me in one month.

For instance...I won the British lottery. Seventeen times! What are the odds? I don't recall actually entering the British lottery, but I'm sure there's some explanation. It probably has to do with the fact that I have an @ sign in my email address.

And, in an unprecedented outpouring of affection, I have received e-cards from a friend, a family member, a former teacher, a long lost love, a public servant, a co-worker and my gynecologist. What a boost that gave me.

Not to mention, that there have been 28 searches for my name on Reunion.com. Who knew??? It just may be that long lost love, which totally explains the e-card.

Of course, it could be that asshat who stalked me in the 10th grade. He wore a fedora and a trenchcoat and for some reason, he thought it would be a good idea to re-enact the boombox scene from "Say Anything" for me. My mother was not amused and he was not John Cusack.

No...I'm certain it's the long lost love. It was definitely the long lost love. For sure. Probably. Most likely. Luckily, I can satisfy my curiosity for only $72.

In addition I have discovered, in the span of mere days, the secret to enhancing my breast AND my penis size, without surgery. I am assured that both forumlas are 100% safe and legal in Southeast Asia. AND, if I act now, I can have the Ancient Chinese secret to longer lasting erections.

Although I don't actually have a penis, I'm sure I have a correspondant anatomical structure upon which to slather this little miracle in a jar. I'm anxious to see what kind of transformation will result. Perhaps I will have to upgrade from my cute, capable little Rabbit to the sleek, powerful Kangaroo. (Don't go looking for it, I made that up.)

Also, I have had the good fortune to make the acquaintance of Mr. Ibrahim Tokunbo, who is an international financier and who currently resides in South Africa. He is being held prisoner because of his part in executing a political coup, (it was totally a misunderstanding) but he promised that immediately upon his release, he will not only repay my expenditure of $10,000 U.S Dollars, he will triple my investment in gratitude. That's not a bad return, ya'll.

In addition, I have been on the receiving end of several exceedingly hot and very hush hush stock tips. Just between you and me, with the South African thing and now this....I'm going to be rolling in it.

It's been an extremely educational month as well. I learned that I can crossstitch my way to tighter abs, get a highly respected college degree in three days, start a home business for only a dollar and never worry about embarassing odor again. I find that soap and Secret do a pretty good job of keeping the funk at bay, but you know what they say...you can never be too rich or too saturated with carcinogenic chemical compounds designed to perpetrate the illusion of good personal hygeine.

Of course, there was that unforunate incident with YouTube and the the homemade sex tape. Apparently, my face was completely visible. Oops.

And there was the fact that my eBay account, my Paypal account and my account at Compass Bank, (the one that is so secret even I didn't know about it) were all the target of attempted fraud. But thankfully, the customer service at those places is amazing.

I tell ya...those poeple are really on top of things. All I had to do is provide my bank account number, my social security number, the amount of my mortgage and car payments, my current salary, my monthly grocery expenditure, my children's country of birth, their social security numbers, a flow chart of my menstrual periods for the past year and my astrological sign...and they cleared all that right up for me.

But aside from that, as you can see, it's really been a stellar a month.

I should really try to focus more on the positive. And boy, there's been a lot of positive. A deluge of positive. A phalanx of positive. A cornocupia of positive.

I? Am a lucky, lucky person.