Drugs Are Bad....Mmmmmkay?

I'm back. Have you noticed?

Maybe you didn't notice that I was ever gone, but believe me, I was. B.A. had left the building. Checked out. Skedaddled. Tally Ho'd the Fox. Vamoosed. Abandoned ship.

I couldn't think, I couldn't write, and increasingly, I couldn't get up out of bed. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with my heart pounding...and have no idea why.

I'm always in a bit of a funk when we return from a visit to my family. I miss them desperately, and I miss my hometown. So at first I didn't make too much of the fact that I was unusually melancholy. But when I began spending more time asleep than awake, I realized I was deeply depressed. But I couldn't figure out why.

At first, the side effects were mildly disconcerting and annoying. Tingling in my lips and face, (parathesisa) the inability to retrieve a word or articulate a thought, (aphasia) lethargy, somnolence, indigestion.

The literature stated that most people see a decrease in symptoms after three weeks. So I decided to just grin and bear it. They did seem to get better, and for a while, I was very encouraged. In fact, I was happy because when I increased my dosage to 50 mg at night, I began sleeping well and deeply for the first time in years.

But as I continued to increase my dosage, some really funky stuff started happening. And by the time I reached 100mg, which was my target dosage, I was a drastically changed person.

My lower lip and chin started to twitch constantly. Sometimes, my tongue would spasm, giving me a temporary, but nonetheless frightening sensation that I could not speak or swallow. I began to hear a buzzing sound in my head. My lips, cheeks and chin tingled continually. And my intellectual capacity was so drastically reduced that I think I all but drooled as I sat there stupefied by life.

Like this:



I was walking around in a fog all the time, and doing very strange things, such as putting the milk away in the cabinet and boxes of cereal in the refrigerator. Oh, I know, everybody does that once in a while, but I was doing stuff like that constantly.

Diminutive One was taking theatre lessons prior to Christmas and half the time, I forgot to take him to class. And then...I just forgot to take him to the final performance.

Forgot. To take my kid. To his theatre performance.

I guess I can kiss that mother of the year award good-bye.

And of course, you know, that I couldn't write. I did write, but it became a very plodding, laborious process for me, whereas before, my brain would often get ahead of my fingers as words and thoughts poured forth from me in a torrent.

I can't tell you how many pieces I started but never finished. Some of them were only one or two sentneces. The fact that I couldn't write bothered me more than anything. I kept trying, but...I don't think I could have kept it up indefinitely. It was too demoralizing. I would have simply given up.

My writing is all I have. Without it, I don't even know what I am or who I am except in relation to what I am to somebody else; Mother, wife, daughter.

It was deeply disturbing.

And then, a comment from dear Flutter on a post about my writer's block hit me over the head like a sledge hammer.

Dopamax, I mean, Topamax. Curses.

My brain was so addled by this stuff that it never even occurred to me that it might be responsible for the haze and the depression.

Shortly after Flutter left her comment, I ran across this article.

Lightbulb, on.

And here's the real kicker: I was still having migraines. They were, perhaps, marginally less severe, but I still took to my bed. I lost 24 hours with my family to a migraine while visiting over the holidays. So where's the benefit?

I decided it just wasn't worth it. I'd rather suffer a migraine or two every month than to be so profoundly handicapped on a daily basis.

I called my doctor to ask about discontinuing the medication and began the process of reversing the dosage. You see, if you stop taking this medication abruptly, it can cause seizures, even if the patient is not taking the medication for epilepsy.

Yet another reason to get it the flock out of my body. I don't want anything that powerful swimming around my bloodstream, giving my brains a scramble.

This is the third migraine medication I've tried and I've decided I'm done. They all make me feel subhuman, and I'm tired of suffering from chemically induced idiocy. And I'm tired of paying out the nose for the privilege of losing my marbles.

Pink Floyd makes much of being comfortably numb. For me, there is nothing comfortable about it.

So I'm off the medication now. I was so paranoid about precipitating a seizure that I went so far as to cut my tablets into halves, then quarters before stopping altogether.

It would be very uncool to foam at the mouth in front of fourth graders.

And sweet merciful Jesus I can think again. I can write again. Now, when I look at my bed, the only urge that overwhelms me is that to make it up. The inertia is fading, the apathy is lifting. Things are becoming sharp and clear once more as the cobwebs in my brain are swept away by fresh, clean, untainted blood.

I feel normal again. Well, you know, insomuch as normal can be quantified.

If you are a migraine sufferer considering prophylaxis, consider this a little PSA from me. This stuff is bbaaaaaaaaad mojo. Bad, bad mojo. Evil. Sinister.

Just say no.

In other news:

I have been given two awards, by two very cool and relatively new readers here at Blog Are Stupid.

The Barroness Von Bloggenschtern (how much do you love that name?) has given me this one:


And Maddy at Whitterer on Autism has awarded me this one:



She is a cheeky bugger, isn't she? I adore cheeky. So much more sophisticated than Sassy.

Anyway, I humbly thank them for their kindness. I will happily pass the awards on, just as soon as I narrow down the possibilities. There are so many excellent bloggers, but I like to give these kinds of things to noobs whenever possible.

When I was a neophyte blogger, several high profile bloggers were kind enough to recognize me, and it thrilled me to no end to see my statcounter go through the roof and to garner some of my first non-acquaintance comments.

And...one teensy other little technical thing. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to read and comment all the fabulous blogs out there, or even all the blogs on my blogroll, as much as I would like to. Nor can I always reciprocate with comments. But what I can do is show my appreciation for the comments you have left here by adding you to my blogroll. (I know, big whoop. Who do I think I am...Dooce?)

So I've been trying to add some of the newer commenters, and it seems that some of you are not publishing a feed, in which case, I can't add you to my blogroll, because it is generated by bloglines. If you don't publish a feed, please consider doing so, so I can add you.

Thanks!