Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Me, Myself and I

Today I went on a blind date. With a girl. A girl blogger.

In some ways, I think meeting other women is even more angst inspiring than meeting men ever was. I always knew how to dress (slutty), how to act (ditto) and what to talk about (them) to win men over. Men were really pretty easy, because generally speaking, they are simple creatures at heart and because their expectations tend to be less lofty than those of women.

Men expect nothing, and are pleasantly surprised when things go well. Women expect everything, and end up pissed off and bitter when things go wrong.

If you're not butt ugly and and demonstrate even mild interest in them, Men are usually happy to continue spending time with you, even if you have nothing in common with one another.

But women...well, we all know that women are just...really...insane complicated.

So though I was really looking forward to meeting this person, I was also weirdly nervous about it.

Here's what transpired in my bathroom this morning:

Me: What are we going to wear? Everything makes us look fat.

Myself: We are fat.

I: We could wear the black pants. They still fit, and black is slimming.

Myself: Veto.

I: What's wrong with the black pants?

Myself: They're too dressy.

Me: SO?

Myself: It will look like we're trying too hard.

Me: We are trying too hard. We're a woman. It's what we do.

Myself: Riiiiight. But we don't need to look desperate.

I: What about the boot cut jeans with heels and a casual sweater?

Myself: I'm cool with that.

Me: Yep. The jeans are hip. The sweater covers our jelly belly.

I: Okay, jeans and sweater it is.

Myself: Right, but...we're not wearing that lipstick are we?

Me: What's wrong with this lipstick? We like it.

Myself: looks kind of...inflate-a-date.

Me: WHAT? It does not.

I: It kinda does.

Myself: I'm just sayin..women generally despise other women who look like whores.

Me: Wearing bold lipstick does not make us look like a whore. It's daring. And it signifies self confidence.

Myself: Right. It signifies that we're a self-confident whore.

I: I wouldn't go that far. It is kind of Courtney Love with "Hole" though.

Me: Fine, what about "Earthen Suede"? It's very sedate.

Myself: Works for me.

I: Me too.

Me: Ummmm, maybe we should consider driving Husband's car.

Myself: Why?

Me: Well, the van is so..."suburban soccer Mom who defines herself by her children's accomplishments".

I: And that would be

Me: Our children play baseball.

I: You don't say.

Myself: Yeah, and whatever happened to not apologizing for our choices?

Me: We are so not apologizing for our choices.

Myself: Oh, right, my mistake. We're denying them altogether. Way to go Betty Friedan.

I: It does seem kind of disingenuous.

Me: FINE. We'll take the van.

Myself: Fine.

I: Fine.

Me: Okay. Are we ready?

Myself: I think so.

I: Ready as we'll ever be.

Me: Wait...

Myself: What now?

Me: We're all agreed that we steer clear of politics, gay marriage and abortion, right?

I: Right.


Me: Right???

Myself(sighing): FINE.

Me: And let's watch the F bomb, okay?

I: Right. And blasphemy.

Myself: Blasphemy?

Me: Like, we shouldn't say "Jesus Christ".

Myself: Oh...right. What about "Sonuvabitch"?

Me: It's right up there with the F word.

Myself: Okay Pollyanna, can we go now?

Me: Yes. Let's go.

I: I just wish we had a sexy cell phone. This one is so...utilitarian.

Me, Myself: I.....

I: Alright, alright. But can we ask Husband for one for Christmas?

Myself: I thought we agreed we were asking for a Treadmill.

Me: Umm, no, we're asking for the leatherbound edition of "Persuasion" by Jane Austen.

Myself: Okay, we never agreed to that....

So, umm, turned out that I needn't have worried. The woman that I met was incredibly warm, and friendly, and genuine. She used the F word twice. Not that I was counting. Really. I was so at ease with ther that I might have said "Jesus Christ" a time or two.

So why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we so concerned about what other women will think of us? I think it's because so many of us are lonely. We may have lots of friends and acquaintances, but we want so badly to connect with other women in a meaningful way that we're willing to sacrifice ourselves on a superficial level to accomplish that.

But the truth is, *I* don't really care what color lipstick someone wears, or how much they weigh, or how they style their hair. I don't even care if they have different ideals, as long as I believe they are trying to live their best life. And I think most of us are...trying to live our best life.

So was really and truly a pleasure to meet you. Thank you so much for making time, even though your little ones weren't feeling well. And I hope we can do it again sometime soon. You don't even have to wear lipstick. :?)


  • At 8:06 PM, Blogger OhTheJoys said…

    I gush, I gush. I send the love right back at you... and when I got in my car and saw the STATE my lipstick had devolved to I WOULD have been HORRIFIED had you not been so genuine and easy to be with yourself. Much bloggy, and now real life, love...

    Hope to see you soon!!

  • At 9:23 PM, Blogger MrsFortune said…

    Wow! You met HER? how cool.

    As soon as I read that sentence - why are we so concerned with what other women think of us - my first thought was "because we need friends" and you seem to agree.

    I love your multiple personalities. I've had that conversation with my other thirds, as well. Too funny.

  • At 11:24 PM, Blogger Amy said…

    I am totally jealous. Mr. Chicken needs to get a job in Hotlanta.

  • At 7:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wasn't it fun? Aren't you glad you did? I've met lots of my blogging buddies and it was wonderful. It's weird how you kind of already know one another, but then ont really. If you're ever in Dallas...

  • At 11:11 AM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    Okay, now I am officially jealous. I want to meet a blogger.

    *stomps foot*

    Then again, I would probably have a similar conversation with myself and eventually talk myself out of the "date". My multiple personalities are not nearly as rational as your's. Glad you had fun!

  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm torn between being really jealous and laughing really hard at the inner dialouge you had with yourselves...because it's true. That's exactly how it goes down.

  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger j.sterling said…

    awwww- that is so awesome!!!!!

  • At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    oh...i'd so love to hang out w/ jess...

    and what a hilarious pre-date synopsis...

  • At 8:22 PM, Blogger Mom101 said…

    It sounds like a wonderful date, and your description of the pre-date angst is hilarious. If it's any comfort, all the experts say that women as a rule dress for other women and really not for men. That always gives me pause.

    I would have loved to be a part of that date by the way. I bet there was not a dull moment.

  • At 8:58 AM, Blogger Sandra said…

    I was so loving your me,myself and I bit. My favourite line: "I'm just sayin..women generally despise other women who look like whores"

    Why do we care so much? I took three times as long as I normally do getting ready the first time I met the Toronto bloggers!

    Glad you had fun :)

  • At 5:31 PM, Blogger ewe are here said…

    Very cool you got to meet a blogger friend in real life!

    And I love the pre-date conversation!

  • At 12:15 AM, Blogger Cristina said…

    Wow, I loved this post. I totally would have had that same conversation with myself prior to leaving for a "date" with another blogger. Especially, oh, the joys cuz she's, well, hot. Totally hot. I would totally date her if she lived near me.

    And I agree that we often want to be liked so much that we try really hard when really all we have to do is be ourselves. But, like anything, it takes a while to get warmed up to someone new so going in with a little lipstick on is OK. :)

    Glad you guys had a good time.

  • At 6:56 PM, Blogger MommyHeadache said…

    Sounds like it was a great meeting. I'm meeting up with some lady bloggers soon and I can't imagining worrying about what I will wear. It's like once you have a blogging friend they've seen you in a bad mood via your blog, in your underwear, with zits, and screaming down the phone at your mother. They know you and love you as you are, I reckon. Blogging friends get intimate with each other real quick, I reckon.

  • At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think the nice thing about blogging is that you meet someone as they express themselves, not by the cultural accoutrements or visual status nor are you boxed in by other exterior signs...

  • At 10:54 AM, Blogger Her Bad Mother said…

    JEALOUS. Of both of you.

  • At 8:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I can so totally relate... I have lots of acquaintances but only a couple of friends. While the prospect of meeting a new friend is absolutely thrilling, it's also terrifying. I don't know if I would have the nerve, because I don't know if I would measure up. And it's worse with women! Guys? Well, who really gives a flip - unless you're out to snag one.

    Actually, that might be an interesting window into how guys feel about meeting US!

  • At 10:47 AM, Blogger Bobby The C said…

    Um, just to be clear, the trampier the lipstick and dress in general the better. We really do like that. A lot.

  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger Jess Riley said…

    This was so damn funny. And as I said on Jessica's site, I'm green with envy that you got to meet each other! You're both awesome.

    I met one of my blogging friends while on vacation this summer, and I remember feeling embarrassed because my outfit made me look barrel-shaped. Other than that, it went great!!

  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger Cinnamon Girl said…

    Love your blog, found you through Joy!

  • At 7:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hanging out with Oh the Joys...I'm so jealous!

  • At 5:31 PM, Blogger nina michelle said…

    face to face meetings are awesome!

    Btw, your dialog with yourself had me rolling...I particularly like this part:

    "Myself: I'm just sayin..women generally despise other women who look like whores."


    one day I hope I meet you face to face too. I think you are wonderful!

  • At 5:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    De-lurking to say brilliant post - this one and the one after - for different reasons. Thank you.


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