Remorse

Sometimes, I feel like a big fat loser in the Mom department.

This week, my kids have half days due to conferences and my patience has worn thin. The weather has been unusually cold and wet, so they have been in the house underfoot all week. I can't get anything done. The bickering and tattling make me want to put my fingers in my ears and chant LALALALALALALALA...I can't HEEEEEARRRR yoooooooooo!" Some behavior issues with my youngest have me worried and frustrated and conflicted. Their father has been working ungodly hours due to a looming deadline, an impromptu office move, and a boss who thinks that it is somehow possible to warp the fabric of time. I'm getting a taste of what single motherhood is like, with none of the benefits.

The result of all this is that I've been a grouchy, impatient shrew of a woman this week. I've complained about my kids to anyone who will listen and I've carped at them about one thing after another. If bitchiness was an illness, I would require an IV drip of nice. Yes, that bad.

Today I found out that two people I know are facing the possible loss of their children; one due to leukemia, another due to an AVM in her brain. Another acquaintance was recently told that her baby has died in utero at 20 weeks.

And Jesus how I want to take it all back. All I can think about is the fact that if one of my children died tomorrow, their last memories of their mother would be pretty dismal.

I'm sorry boys. I love you like nobody's business and my life would be so very empty without you. I would be destroyed if anything happened to you.

Hug your children today. Tell them that you love them. Apologize if you need to. I did.