Evolution Of A Blog

This blog has served many purposes over the past year.

I started this blog January-ish of 2006 simply as a way to vent some frustration that had built up during a very stressful life experience, one in which I felt very powerless. I came under attack and was unable to defend myself for a variety of reasons. It was very demoralizing to have to sit back and let my character be assasinated, my children be maligned, my husband lampooned. So this blog, which was completely private at its inception and for several months afterward, was simply a catharsis; a way to cleanse myself of the bitterness and move on. And it worked. I was able to close that chapter of my life and eventually, to look on it as a learning experience.

I guess, by accident, one of the more well-known bloggers happened upon my blog and linked to it. I began getting comments, and as you know, that's a pretty heady thing. But it wasn't only about comments. It was about finding my voice again...about reclaiming a passion and gaining confidence once again in my ability as a writer.

This blog has also been a place to work through all the really difficult stuff that parenting throws at me, to celebrate the various people in my life who have made me who I am and whom will always have a special place in my heart.

And it's been a place to remember. As I look back on various pieces I have written in 2006, there are a lot of things there that I probably wouldn't remember 20 years from now if I hadn't blogged about them. Sometimes, I live in fear of forgetting, knowing I only have one chance to cememt a moment or an experience into my memory. It's gratifying to know I can look back and read about things that happened, and how those things affected my growth as a mother and a person.

So blogging has been a good thing for me.

But.

Like a lot of things that I do, I do it to excess. I'm not really good at self-denial or moderation. Why I'm not a 700 lb. raging alchoholic sandwiched into the only corner of my home not crammed with collectibles bought on ebay with a serious debt problem resulting from my penchant for freaky sex with young latin american men...is beyond my comprehension.

After blogging for a while, some of the feedback got me to thinking that maybe, just maybe....I could actually become a published author. I've always dreamed about it, but...something has always stood in the way. Often that something was myself. My own foibles and frailties, my fear of failure, my fear of success. And for a long time, I never really believed I had what it took to be a "real" writer. Those of you who so kindly commented on the pieces that I posted gave me the confidence I needed to believe I could do it. At the very least, you have given me the courage to try.

Now I just need to get serious and make it happen.

While discussing the whole book thing with my husband, who has been unfailingly supportive and encouraging, he said to me...

"You know, babe...if you had put as much effort into writing that book as you have into blogging, you could be a published author by now."

He wasn't being critical. He was just making a point. But it really flipping pissed me off. Because he was right.

As a new year is unfolding, my resolutions, as always, are numerous. But contrary to those who have pledged to blog more, I have resolved to blog less. I have, actually, resolved not to blog.

Because with my blog here, singing its siren song of instant gratification, it's too easy to turn away from the laborious and often thoroughly unrewarding task of writing an honest to goodness book, succumb to the evil of self-doubt, and give in to the allure of dashing off an easy little fluff piece to garner comments and bolster my foundering ego.

It just won't work.

Is this good-bye? I don't honestly know. My past experiences tell me that for me, a clean break is best. I'd like to think I could discipline myself to only blog once or twice a week. To only read blogs when I have completed a given set of objectives.

Once, I decided that in order to quite smoking, I would gradually wean myself off of them by cutting down progressively, until I was done with them. It sounds good in theory. But as the number of cigarettes dwindled, I began obsessing over when I was going to smoke, planning my life around when I could smoke, counting the moments until I could smoke. And of course, with all that thinking about smoking, all I wanted to do was....smoke.

That was probably one of the more foolish notions I ever had.

I quit smoking ten years ago, by simply putting them down and walking away. For me, cold turkey is the only way to go, as has been proven several more times since I quit smoking.

So, I think, yes...this has to be the end.

Now I have to decide if I mean it enough to actually click "publish", because if I don't, I'm going to look like a big fat horse's ass when I start blogging again in a week.

I do mean it.

But will I mean it two days from now?

Hell. I don't know.


Post Script:

I realized after I did, in fact click "publish", that the whole thing sounded very much like a thinly veiled plea for protestation and lamentation at my exodus from the blogosphere. But it's really not. Several times over the past year, bloggers I had been reading regularly closed up shop with no explanation or word of good-bye. It was a little unsettling. Did they die or contract some fatal disease? Become a Buddhist Monk or a lifestyle submissive? Are they being held captive by an abusive spouse, tied up for hours on end and forced to urinate in a tin pail?

I'm good. Really good, actually. The aforementioned personal life experience made me stop and take a look at just how good I have it. So no worries.

I'll see ya on the bestseller list.

How's that for self-confidence? Good yeah? I'm working on it.