So Here's The Thing....

I, in my somewhat misguided attempt to bully myself into buckling down and writing something substantial, completely overlooked the many very positive aspects to blogging. Some dear friends, who are not bloggers, but who read my blog, very kindly pointed this out to me recently, when I confessed that I was having trouble sticking to my resolve not to blog. Seeking to lay blame for my inability to motivate and discipline myself, I focused only on the destructive aspects of blogging.

The first week was easy. And frankly, I felt a little relieved at not having to write something fabulous every day.

The second week...not so much.

I have things to say, you see, and nobody to say them to. It's not that I don't have friends...though I don't have a huge abundance of very close friends...I do have quite a few acquaintances that I'm happy enough to pass time with. But, they aren't the kind of friends with which you share certain thoughts and feelings. We talk mostly about the activity or the common thread that has brought us together, which is, most often...our kids. And that's fine. I enjoy talking to other parents about being a parent.

But there a lot of thoughts, feelings and opinions that I can't talk to other people about. Or, don't want to, because I don't want to get into a big philosophical debate. I don't discuss religion with folks around here, because it's a powder keg just waiting for the spark of heathenism to ignite the fires of righteous indignation and judgement.

I don't discuss politics for the same reason. And because this state is steeped in the attitudes and prejudices of an era long past, issues such as gay marriage, abortion, civil rights, and separation of church and state are equally incendiary. In real life, I stick mostly to idle chit chat, unless I am thoroughly convinced that the person I am talking to shares my views.

So I never really realized the extent to which this blog has helped me reconcile all the stuff that rattles around in my brain every day.

But there's another reason I missed it.

I'm a SAHM, by choice, and I have been for 12 years. It's a choice I made with complete conviction. But I never realized just how much I would miss accomplishing something and having someone notice that I accomplished something. Or care that I accomplished something. Or feel compelled to express admiration and appreciation for the fact that I accomplished something.

My husband is great. He really, really is. And he tries very hard to make sure I know how much he appreciates me. But he still isn't likely to comment on how sparkling clean the toilets are, or grant me quarterly bonuses for keeping my offspring clean, clothed and fed.

People who work get positive reinforcement daily.

"Hey Joan, GREAT presentation today! Those charts were very impressive!"

or.....

"Your productivity this quarter exceeded our projections by 36%! You'll be getting a little something extra with your next paycheck."

or even just......

"Wow, the supply closet looks great. It's about time someone cleaned it out."

Most often, what I get, is moaning and groaning, whining, arguments, and resistance. I get...

"Yuck. I am NOT eating that."

or

"But MOM! I just CLEANED my room three weeks ago!"

or

"I don't want to wear my heavy coat! It's not even cold out!!"

See what I mean?

Here, I get some much needed affirmation and appreciation. My husband was the one who pointed out that the reason I was putting more effort into blogging was the fact that I get immediate gratification for my efforts. Well yeah. What's bad about that? Why shouldn't I? Everybody needs praise. Everybody needs to know that something they are doing matters.

So I'm giving my blog back to myself, albeit with conditions.

To start with, I have pared my bloglines down to only a few very favorite blogs. Not that all of you aren't worthy of my time or a comment. You absolutely are. There are SO many wonderful blogs and bloggers out there, and really, that's part of the problem. I get sucked in, and before I know it, hours have passed and I have accomplished nothing. So, I will allow myself to read blogs, but on restricted basis.

That's not to say I won't ever read any blogs not on my bloglines. I will. Because there is stuff out there that is too good to pass by. But I won't feel obligated to. I won't make reading and commenting on blogs a condition of my own blogging. I know that the "rules" say if someone comments on your blog, one should reciprocate, but I just can't invest that kind of time. I would like to, because I know how much comments mean to me. But please know that if something you say on your blog is particularly meaningful or well said, I will comment. Otherwise, I will read, and appreciate, and move on.

And lastly, I will blog when I want to. When I really have something to say. When the words just can't be contained.

I won't blog every day because I'm worried about numbers on my statcounter, or my technorati ranking, or the number of blogs that link to me. I won't blog just for the sake of blogging.

So. That's that, I suppose. I do feel like a big horse's ass, as I knew I would if I couldn't stay out of the blogosphere.

I'll get over it.