No More Internet Porn For Me

Remember this? My laptop is toast. Was toast. Is still sorta toasted but at least functioning although I have little more than an operating system and the will to blog.

Apparently, that little trojan fugger (WinAntivirusPro 2007) that infected my pc was not really gone, but hiding. And it is very, very smart. It turned off my firewall, disabled my antivirus protection and overrode all my security protocols. Then it hung a neon Coor's sign in the window, crushed some peanut shells into the carpet and called all it's friends.

So I was doing my morning internet thang...sippin some Starbuck's Espresso roast with a hint of fat free hazelnut creamer...pulling up the internet trifecta; email, Bloglines, Sandbox (small private ladies' internet group)...when all of a sudden....BLAMMO! I got the same message that had sucked me into the soulless blue vortex of doom the last time. This time though, I knew that I was well and truly screwed so the panic set in a lot faster.

Luckily, Husband was working from home today and was sitting beside me doing his morning internet thang. Help was readily at hand.

I hollered "SHIT!"

Husband jumped and narrowly avoided scalding his privates, but quickly inferred that something was horribly awry. He's really intuitive that way.

"The hell???" he asked indignantly.

"I got that message again!!"

"What messs-"

"Hurry!! Shit is HAPPENING!"

Windows were popping up willy nilly, a task bar appeared and began progressing with distressing speed. I was paralyzed with fear and indecision. Husband jumped out of his chair and rushed to my side.

"NO!" he growled. "Don't let that finish!! DON'T LET THAT FINISH!! Shut it down!Abort! Abort!"

He wrested the computer from my grasp and began typing furiously.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" he said.

He typed some more, fingers flying over the keyboards with preternatural speed that only programmers and uber geeks can boast. They were all but invisible as he wrestled with the slick, sophisticated little digital demon that is WinAntivirusPro 2007.

Finally, with a resigned groan...he hit the kill switch and my poor little laptop winked into blackness. Husband stood there breathing heavily and glowering.

Timidly, I asked "Did you....?"

He looked at me with a mixture of defeat and sympathy.

"Baby..." he said softly, "I can't save it. There's just been too much damage. I'm going to have to...."

I inhaled sharply, knowing what was coming but not wanting to hear the words.

"I'm going to have to reformat it. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. You did everything you could. I know how hard you tried."

"If we had just known." he sighed. "I thought...I thought I got everything. But all this time, the bastard's been hiding deep inside, corrupting files, overriding security protocols...it was a total system failure, baby."

With a dissolute shrug, he picked up my laptop and gingerly carried it upstairs to begin the delicate job of data retrieval and reformatting the hard drive, while I tried to pick up the pieces and carry on.

My day was pretty busy, so I didn't have time to dwell on my loss and that's a good thing. When I got home, Husband told me had managed to save my iTunes files onto his hard drive, (almost 4GB worth) and luckily, after the last battle with WAVP2007, I had backed up all my documents onto a flash drive and have been doing frequent backups ever since.

But my email addresses (thousands) my bookmarks (hundreds), my images (also hundreds, but mostly borrowed from public sources) some photos (sent to me by others, so not my own, and not original files), my passwords (yes, I'm one of those idiots who stored my passowrds ON my computer, but the file was cleverly disguised as a recipe), my backgrounds, my desktop....it's all gone.

My trusty little laptop seems so naked, so vulnerable.

Well, now I begin the process of rebuiling. It will take a while, but I will perservere.

People, if you encounter this thing...for God's sake, shut your computer down immediately and get some professional help. This is not a virus, but a very sophisticated Trojan and it is MURDER to get rid of. It can do incalculable damage to your system and may even damage your hard drive irrevocably. Husband says it's been a long time since he's seen anything this nasty.

Despite my titillating (and, er...wholly in jest) title, you can get this insidious little thing even if you don't surf for porn (and I'm betting most of you don't). You can get it from an infected email even if you don't open attachments. You can get it just by visiting a site that is a portal. You won't even know because they are very well disguised and completely innocuous looking. You can even get it by GASP! reading blogs. I asked husband how to keep from getting this thing again and his wry response was, "Stop using the internet."

So, just a little PSA from B.A.

Now...I have to go replace all the fancy window dressing on my pc. I can't stand to see it shivering and denuded.

And when I'm done with that, I'm going to compose a scathing commentary about the miniscule man parts of those who create and unleash such menaces. You know...I'm sorry you can't harbor life within you, but that doesn't mean you have to be a giant gaping asshole.

Forgive my lack of commenting today. I was with you in spirit.