Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

The Perforation Generation

I don't know what moniker the media Gods have chosen to bestow upon the latest crop of twenty something up and comers, but I have a few suggestions I'd like to throw out there.

Tat-us Quo
Perforated Youth
The Perforation Generation
The Tat Pack
BodMod Squad

So, anyway. Far be if from me to criticize the pursuit of a trend. My teenage years were spent right smack dab in the middle of the 80's, and I doubt there has been any era before or since with such abundant opportunity for embarassing ourselves. And since my interest in trends waned significantly when keeping a distressingly diminutive human being from consuming the contents of a diaper or toddling into a well became the focus of my days, its no surprise that I am woefully unhip.

But never have I seen such a collection of inked and skewered flesh as I have encountered in the stylized and largely uncapitalized blogs of these young whippersnappers. They lead me to wonder when being trendy become so painful. And dangerous. As far as I know, fashion trends in the 80's were non-lethal, unless you count the risk of asphyxiation from aerosol fumes. And though we often let our common sense be overruled by our desire to be Like A Virgin, I don't think anybody ever contracted Hepatitis C or a raging bacterial infection from parachute pants, though I suppose a yeast infection or two could be blamed on that unfortunate fashion choice.

At the risk of sounding squarer than a saltine cracker...I simply don't get this trend. Primarily because it has got to hurt like hell. I'd say pushing pointy objects through my nipples would rank right up there with pube waxing, natural childbirth, and colorectal anything on my list of things to avoid.

I nursed my children, and I nursed them long enough to demonstrate my somewhat militant opposition to outmoded and puritanical childrearing practices. The unfortunate result of this was that my nurslings sprouted teeth. As newly betoothed babies are wont to do, they would periodically bite down with force roughly equal to that of a steel bear trap and steadfastly refuse to let go, fascinated and delighted by the inhuman shrieks of agony from the Mommy person.

The degree of pain was such that I fully expected to look down and see my nipple completely severed and nestled between the lips of my bloodthirsty cherub like a grisly pacifier. Surprisingly, both nipples are still intact, and in fact, never sustained any serious injury. But the memory of that pain haunts me, and I can't for the life of me understand why someone would choose to inflict such torturous pain upon such a lovely and obliging part of the female anatomy.

As for the defilement of the little man in the boat...I simply refuse to acknowledge that such a travesty would take place, as the mere thought of such makes me want to put my thumb in my mouth and go to my happy place for a very long time.

But even that pales in comparison to some of the body modifications found here. Be forewarned, these images are extreme and disturbing. Among the most shocking is something called a "genital bisection".

Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has broken copulation down into a process so simplistic that pretty much any man or beast can manage to reproduce. Its beautifully basic...insert tab A into slot B. It works every time. And yet, someone, somewhere, ostensibly under the influence of massive quantities of alchohol or mind altering drugs, decided that perhaps they could improve upon nature's delivery system by splitting it in two.

Yes. I'm serious.

Aside from the disturbing implications regarding the mental health of someone who would mutilate themselves in such a way, and the obvious procedural difficulties that might ensue, I surmise that the result of this would be much like placing one's thumb over the end of a garden hose, and I am hard pressed to see the appeal of going through life having to hold one's wee willie winkie together to avoid spraying bodily fluids hither and yon. Truly and profoundly perplexing.

Tattoos, though markedly less shocking, are for me, equally confusing. Perhaps because I find that the human body is already a thing of singular beauty, grace and artistry. In my opinion, marking the human flesh with ink is akin to spray painting graffiti on all the trees in Walden's Woods. Some would argue that tattooing and graffiti alike are valid contemporary art forms. That's highly debateable, but both, even when beautifully rendered, obscure and cheapen the natural beauty of what lies beneath. At a time in my life when I am struggling to maintain epidermal integrity, and still deluding myself about the efficacy of the alphahydroxyretinoidsalycilicsoyextractmicropeelabrasion compounds that I slather on it daily...I am mystified by the apparent dissatisfaction with the dewy splendour of young unsullied skin.

Well, perhaps it is just as well. Stretchmarks and varicose veins do not an ideal canvas make. And at this point, piercing anything that dangles or protrudes will only hasten its inevitable southward progress.

One encounters strange, strange things on the internet, and some of them can make a person feel like a piece of their innocence has been taken away. I think I'll go unearth my peg leg jeans and my Howard Jones cassette. I might even tease my bangs just a little. I need to think happy thoughts for a while.


  • At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I swore that I would never get a tattoo. And then, I gave in a got one. It's my middle name in Chinese (which happens to actually be Chinese). It's weird because all my tattos now (4) represent the Asian side of my life that I just recently started exploring more - and I love everything I've gotten (and I want more).

    The pain is not so bad - particularly compared to childbirth and I just think they look cool.

    We that being said - they are WAY too popular now and I fear the day I have to explain everything to my daughter.

    All that aside - good post. I'm passing on the links though. I've seen some crazy shit, but I'm not sure I can do it now... :)

  • At 4:20 AM, Blogger My float said…

    Oh dear, what ARE they thinking?? I nearly passed out looking at what they've done to themselves.

    Only two years have passed since my son was born. Boy, has the world gone to hell in a handbasket since then! Tattoos and piercings I understand, but bisections??

    Am going quietly now to my room for a little lie down!

  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger Sandra said…

    Whoa. I thought I was square before but my shock after reading this post proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don't think I could be any squarer!

    If that is what is happening now it terrifies me to think what our children will consider ....

  • At 4:17 PM, Blogger Mom101 said…

    While I'm trying to remain open-minded to some degree (my dad hassled me about a second pierce in my ear back in the day. Ha!) I'm with you. It's just so...permanent. I can only hope that soon there will be a backlash to all this stuff, and kids will go back to hippie styling. Or grunge. Or something.

  • At 4:40 PM, Blogger MrsFortune said…

    I'm waiting for the time when it's cool to have NOTHING done to alter your body because THAT becomes unusual, you know? I think it's all about the next shocking thing. But I agree with you on this one, and I have a lot of tattoos.

  • At 12:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I can't really comment as I have a tattoo and a my nose is pierced (but unringed if that's a word)

    I will say that my tattoo is modestly tucked away and is extremely sentimental so I don't regret it at all.

    But putting a grommet in your earlobe so big you can see through it? Acck. Not my thing at all.

  • At 6:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Trends come and go, fads fade. I no longer wear the rainbow of eyeshadows I wore in high school that made my parents cringe. I no longer have big hair. My jeans? I now prefer them loose.
    Would never think of lying down on the bed to zip them up! I agree with you, I surely don't get the preferences of today's youth...but am I supposed to?

  • At 3:10 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    I could never get a tattoo because I was afraid of the pain and I'm glad I didn't because I would look pretty silly now. Its just not in my personality to be sporting a tat. But on some people the right tattoo looks like a work of art and I can respect that. Although, I often wonder if their Picasso will look like a Dali (think, The Persistence of Memory) after 20 or 30 years. :)

  • At 11:10 PM, Blogger Tori said…

    Your'e putting it... where?
    Unbelievable - and as a mother of girls.......... kill me now!
    I have heard it told the the penile piercing heightens the sexual experience... I would like to know how?
    Ouch again - you freakish kids!

  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger Jess Riley said…

    J has a cousin who has tattooed and pierced himself extensively. He also has LARGE grommets that have stretched his earlobes so that now they look like jump ropes hanging there when he is grommet-less. His grandma just loves it. (kidding of course)

  • At 3:05 PM, Blogger Antique Mommy said…

    The thought of my precious little boy getting a tattoo or piercing his precious perfect little body that I formed in my womb makes we cringe - which is exactly why he might do it. God I hope the preppie look comes back in about 12 years.

  • At 6:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    All I can say is this mother's day I'm just really, really, really grateful that my teenagers did not come home looking anything like this:
    ick. yuck. eewwww.


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