Revolution Resolution; Freedom to Unplug

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I, like millions of Americans, have a cell phone. I have your basic free with sign up cheapola get the job done Nokia. It's not slim and cute. It is not pink. Why? Because I bought my cell phone for emergencies. Not to take picures. Not to text message. Not to play videos. Not to email.

Let's take a moment to examine the definition of emergency, shall we?

What an emergency is NOT:

• Sitting in traffic bored out of your mind.


• Not being able to remember the name of that actress in that movie.
  
• Wondering what your wife is cooking for dinner.


• Needing to know if your divorced bff scored with that hot single doctor.


• Your toddler pooping in the potty for the first time (this also applies to first word, first step, etc.)


• Realizing your forgot to set the Tivo to record Desperate Housewives.


• The overwhelming need to tell your spouse/SO how much you love them.


• Split ends. Chipped Polish. Large Pores. (I promise, the salon will still be there when you get home)

What an Emergency IS:

• Labor.


• A drunk or unsafe driver.


• An accident.


• A stall, yours or that of another vehicle.


• A crime in progress (an actual crime, not a crime of fashion).


• Unforeseen circumstances resulting in no adult being present when your children
  arrive home from school.


• Keys locked in car (assuming purse and cell phone are not also locked in car).


• Child, pet or elderly person locked in car.


• Being late for work.


• Experiencing vomiting or explosive diahreah behind the wheel.

Seems pretty clear cut, but judging by the number of idiots driving around with the phone attached to their ear, apparently not.

I am thoroughly fed up with people driving down the road yakking their brains out, oblivious to the fact that they are behind the wheel of a two ton instrument of death. My children and I have had many close calls at the hands of such individuals. For that reason, I have become intolerant to the point that I will lay on the horn if I see people talking on their cell phone for an extended period of time, espeically if they are driving unsafely because of it. Metro Atlanta has some of the worst traffic in the nation and Metro motorists are making it worse by causing accidents that were completely avoidable by say...paying attention to the road.

Also, If you are conducting a conversation of an extremely personal nature in a public place, do not look at me as if I am intruding upon your conversation. This has happened to me any number of places, most recently yesterday, as I was perusing the eye creams in Target (I can't afford the ones that give a gal real hope).

Some woman was in the aisle discussing with another party the very personal issue of whether or not she should have a boob job and why. I was honestly trying not to hear. Perhaps some people are titillated by being privvy to the personal details of another person's life. I am not. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I suppose that's why I dislike reality teleivision. It embarasses me. But she was making no effort to be discreet. There was no way I could escape knowing her tits were nearing her knees thanks to bearing that selfish bastard five children.

At one point, she gave me a scathing look and barked into her phone, "I'll call you back." She flipped it shut with a loud snap and shoved it back into her bag. The nerve of me trying to shop. In a store.

Also, if you are speaking to me and your cell phone rings. Don't answer it. Just don't. I don't care if it's the Dalai Llama calling to reassure you that you're not going to spend your next life as a Shihtzu. It's the height of rudeness. Also, don't answer it and say "Just a minute" and then look at me expectantly, in a way that is meant to convey I should wrap it up so you can take your call.

And I absolutely loathe those ear thingies. They are really quite ridiculous and pretentious. Is it necessary to conduct business while you're watching your kid play baseball? Are you THAT important? If you truly are, then surely you can pay someone to watch and give you a play by play synposis later. We (your son and I) certainly would not want to take you away from issues of such import that catastophe looms in your absense and disaster will surely strike without your involvement.

Where have our manners gone, people? Have cell phones rendered us completely devoid of common sense and courtesy? Is it really necessary to be available every single moment of the day? Why are we so compelled to be plugged in, turned on, and wired up? What has spawned this horror of missing something?

Guess what? I forget mine all the time. Sometimes, my battery runs out and I forget to recharge it for days. I don't have a car charger. Not once has this resulted in a calamity. Unless you count not realizing my family wishes me to stop for fast food a calamity. I'm sure they do.

Let's take back our personal time and interact with our families without interruption. Let's finish a meal, let's watch a movie without intermission, let's speak in complete sentences.

Just say no to cell.