Watching HGTV is Hazardous

Our house is ugly. All of it.

For years we've done only what we had to do, and neglected the cosmetic, because we are a single income family with two children and we kind of like eating.

But I am thoroughly sick of my ugly house. I can't look at this floral wallpaper another damn day. When one enters our home, one is assaulted by no less than three different floral wallpaper patterns.

The foyer features cream colored wall paper with coral, blue, and green flowers with some twiney viney stuff. At one time, the bottom of the walls was painted a bright coral. We found this out recently when we did some patching and sanding in preparation for painting.

The kitchen is completely covered in dusty blue wallpaper with small peach colored flowers. I suspect that at one time, it was accessorized with geese. Or ducks. Or, whatever species of fowl was stylish in the 80's.

The dining room is papered in a green damask print on the bottom, and a very, very loud, ribbony, floral bouquet print in shades of green, rose, and blue on top.

All of these rooms adjoin one another.

You are, at this moment, envisioning the splendour, aren't you?

Also, I can deal with the blanket on the window in our master bedroom no longer. It's been there for TWELVE YEARS.

What? I just didn't see the sense of spending money on window treatments until we redecorated the room to our taste.

So anyway, we recently redecorated Pubescent One's room and it turned out pretty darned nice, and was not nearly as painful or expensive as we had thought.

We are encouraged. And we've decided to tackle the rest of the house, one room at a time. As a result, I have been viewing a glut of home improvement shows. Mentally, I've spent about five squillion dollars in the last three weeks.

But we have to be real.

Recently I ran accross a comforter set that I liked for THIRTY DOLLARS. Hello? That's like, better than I could do at Big Lots.

Fortuitously, it has all the colors I love, AND will match the ludicrously expensive green carrera marble lamps we bought when we were first married and Husband was working for Haverty's furniture and now can't get rid of because we could never get anything else that nice for what we paid for them and will probably have until we die.

Behold:



I know it's not everybody's taste. When I showed it to a friend she said, diplomatically..."It's....certainly....colorful."

Yes, it's true. No tans, no beiges, none of that loathesome plummy, muddy, taupey color everyone seems to be painting everything lately...for me.

I. Need. COLOR.

The walls will be a deep, rich, terracotta/pumpkin-y color. And I found some sheets that are that EXACT color at Wal-Mart for $30. That's not too terribly bad for king sized sheets.

So now I'm thinking ahead to the the attached bath. It's in horrible, horrible condition. It's papered with a pink, white and green striped wallpaper and coordinating floral border. It's curling up around the tub and shower, and experimental peeling has illustrated that it was apparently, put up over bare drywall. Lovely.

The floor is white linoleum with barfy pink flowers. The sinks, vanity and fixtures are all very 1984. Apparently, composite wood products were very chic in 1984.

We can't afford a complete renovation and wouldn't put that kind of money into this house if we could. So I'm picking and choosing strategic ways to upgrade economically.

The floor? Has to go. The wallpaper too, obviously. Some updated lighting will help. I'll work around the vanity and the ugly fixtures.

Here's my dilemma: I hate linoleum. We can't afford marble or stone. Tile is too difficult to install ourselves and I don't dig cleaning grout.

So I've been puzzling over what to do about the floor.

Last night I watched "Designed to Sell" in which they update a house to effect a quick sale. They have a budget of $2,000. Usually, they focus on kitchens and bathrooms.

Last night's episode actually took place in Atlanta and amazingly, the bathroom was even more hideous and more outdated than mine! I was amazed at what they did with $2,000. They made the outdated bathroom look like something out of House and Garden.

What really caught my attention were these gorgeous leather tiles, as well as the installation. They are magnetic! So if one gets damaged, you simply lift it up and replace it. The sheet metal that they adhere to can be laid over an existing floor. WOW. What an innovative and beautiful product. It's EXACTLY what I've been looking for.

I bet they cost a fucking fortune.

Damn you Lisa LaPorta.

I don't know how to quit you.