If I'm Not Pregnant, I'm Totally Getting A Tattoo

Clearly, I am having some kind of mid-life crisis, which the more astute among you might have concluded from my proliferation of posts on losing myself, feeling regret about the things I haven't accomplished, pining for the days when my children were small and sweet....

I suppose that is why I have the urge to do someting unexpected. Something wild and non-sensical.

Something baaaaaaaaaad.

Not, you know, criminally bad, but, socially unacceptable bad. Saucy wench bad. Female corrections officer bad.

Something to subversively shatter the perception that I am a respectable wife and mother who derives deep satisfaction from nurturing her family and fighting the good fight against dirt and grime.

An affair is out of the question. I know which side my bread is buttered on, and besides, I think I might die of embarassment if I had to show my buttflab and my stretchmarks to somebody new and uninitiated in all the ways that childbearing is devastatingly unkind to a woman's body.

So I think I'm going to get a tattoo.

I haven't been a fan of tattoos, historically. I think most of them are tacky and tasteless and vulgar. No offense, if you have one...I'm sure yours is very nice.

But honestly, tattoos have just never been my thang.

Why has that changed? You'll laugh when I tell you about it.

Last Christmas, the boys each got some temporary tattoos in their stockings. Once, they would have thought temporary tattoos were the shiz-nit of yuletide bounty. But alas, those days are over. So I stuck them away in a drawer.

A couple months later, Husband found them, and suggested, impishly, that I apply one. So I did, or rather, he did. He put it in the classic tramp stamp location right above my butt crack.

To my surpise, I thought it looked kind of hot. You know, in a tarted up schoolmarm kind of way.

He thought it was hot too.

Over the course of the next couple months, we used them all up. It was fun. It made me feel...wild. Uninhibited. Baaaaaaaaaad.

And I began to think maybe I should get a permanent one.

Now, if you know me you know that I never do anything without anyalyzing it to death. So there's not really any danger of me doing something like that off the cuff and then regretting it a week later. Spontaneity is not an evil that I wrestle with.

I've been researching the pros and cons, the cost and risk of removal if I decide I hate it, the best place to put one so it won't end up looking like a Salvador Dali painting, and reputable establishments in the area.

The one thing I haven't been able to decide on, is a design. Although I have seen some that are incredibly beautiful, it's the artistry that I appreciate, not the medium. And of course, I have seen some of exemplary tastelessness.



Are you shocked? Oddly, I am, though I shouldn't be. Human beings simply cannot be surpsassed for pointless and imbecilic behavior.

That, along with the fact that people do make assumptions about other people with tattoos, led me to the decision that regardless of what I ultimately chose, mine would not be on public display.

I looked at literally thousands. Some were pretty. Some were whimsical. Some were suggestive and fun. Some I liked a lot, but couldn't see saddling myself with for all eternity. None of them were quite right.

I really need for it to be perfect to commit myself body and soul to having permanent ink injected under my epidermis. And because I couldn't find anything that I really, really loved, I concluded that it just wasn't meant to be, and I abandoned the idea, at least for the time being.

Then, recently purely by chance, I ran across some pictures of Mendhi. I had forgotten what a beatiful and graceful art form Mendhi really is.





And it was EXACTLY what I wanted.

I set out to find a design, which proved to be harder than I thought. Mendhi is really not intended to be permanent. Traditionally it is applied by a Mendhi artist with a temporaray henna dye. It is a Middle Easter custom for brides, and sometimes, bridegrooms.

So finding a design for a permanent tattoo turned out to be challenging. Many were close, but lacked the authenticity that I really wanted.

But finally, fortuitously and with a heart pumping joy that surprised me, I stumbled upon the perfect design.

The site uses anti-theft technology, so I can't reproduce it for you here. You'll have to follow the link if you want to see it. The artist has several designs in this style, so if you like it, be sure to check them out.

I am ridiculously excited over this stupid thing. So, if I'm not pregnant, I'm totally going to get a tattoo. Probably. Most...likely.

Note to self: Ask tattoo artist just how "permanent" tattoo ink really is. Also inquire as to what typically happens when someone freaks the flock out halfway through the procedure and decides they have made a grave mistake.

There should be a 5 second rule for tattoos.

I bet a lot more people would get them if there was.

The tattoo industry really needs to take that idea and run with it.

ADDENDUM: OMG, look what I found on Amazon.



It's a pkg containing 4 pages of temporary henna tattoos in the typical Mendhi style. I can try before I buy! How cool is that?

I bought the pkg with paisley and floral and also one of assorted designs. I can't wait to try them out.