Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
THE SETTING: A trendy tot shop in an upscale suburban mall.
THE PLAYERS: The Real Charlie Brown (Baby #1-right), Pre-Pubescent One (Baby #2-left)
Baby #1: Dude, how long does it take your Mom to pick out a breast pump?
Baby #2: I don't know man. Frankly, I'm baffled by the whole concept. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I can empty a breast in like, 3 minutes. You cannot improve upon perfection my friend.
Baby #1: Okay, Seriously? Enough. You're breastfed. I get it. We all. Get it.
Baby #2: Geez, who pissed in your Enfamil?
Baby #1: I'm sorry Dude, I'm a little irritable.
Baby #2: You don't say.
Baby #1: It's just that my binky is permanently embedded in my back fat, this diaper has exceeded maximum capacity, and it is definitely past lunch o'clock.
Baby #2: I hear ya. This gay outfit is making me a little cranky myself.
Baby #1: It's not that bad.
Baby #2: You're just saying that.
Baby #1: That's what friends are for.
Baby #2: Well at least your lunch is right there in the diaper bag. Thanks to the whole "breasts are sexual objects" thing, I have to wait until we get home.
Baby #1: Sucks to be you Dude.
Baby #2: That's what I'm sayin.
Baby #1: But at least your lunch will be fresh and warm and straight from the source.
Baby #2: Yeah. And it doesn't taste like ass.
Baby #1: Watch it.
Baby #2: Sorry. I forget you're sensitive about that.
Baby #1: I'm not sensitive. I'm discerning.
Baby #2: Oh yeah. That's why you put your toes in your mouth.
Baby #1: They satisfy my need for oral gratification, okay? Not all of us have breasts at our beck and call.
Baby #2: Not my issue, man.
Baby #1: Hey...you ever do that motorboat thing?
Baby #2: No.
Baby #1: C'mooooooon....you never even thought about it?
Baby #2: No.
Baby #1: But your face is riiiiiii-
Baby #2: I said no, Dude. No? means no.
Baby #1: You don't deserve to be breastfed. I would totally do the motorboat thing.
Baby #2: Not unless you wanted to find yourself drinking out of a rubber nipple attached to a bottle with rainbows and teddy b...oh, um, yeah. Sorry.
Baby #1: Ouch.
Baby #2: Anyway...you do not disrespect the milk makers my friend.
Baby #1: Yeah. I see your point. Say, uh...speaking of milk makers....Two babies walk into a titty bar....
Baby #2: .......HAHAHA! Milking it! That? Is Classic. You crack my ass up Dude. I mean, you really slay me.
Baby #1: Eh, well, I messed up the punchline a little. I hate it when I do that.
Baby #2: Doesn't matter, Dude. Titty jokes are always funny. I think I pissed myself. For real, I mean.
Baby #1: Well you're in good company then. I'm practically floating away over here. But at least I can use my diaper as a life preserver.
Baby #2: No doubt. What's in these things anyway?
Baby #2: I don't know. Some kind of super absorbent petrochemical crap. We'll probably be sterile someday.
Baby #1: Dude, do not even joke about that.
Baby #1: Sorry. Hey, here come the Moms. Act Natural.
Baby #2: Goo goo. Ga ga.
Baby #1: (Fills diaper explosively)
END SCENE
(Repost, because I am stuck in home improvement hell. God help us.)
THE PLAYERS: The Real Charlie Brown (Baby #1-right), Pre-Pubescent One (Baby #2-left)
Baby #1: Dude, how long does it take your Mom to pick out a breast pump?
Baby #2: I don't know man. Frankly, I'm baffled by the whole concept. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I can empty a breast in like, 3 minutes. You cannot improve upon perfection my friend.
Baby #1: Okay, Seriously? Enough. You're breastfed. I get it. We all. Get it.
Baby #2: Geez, who pissed in your Enfamil?
Baby #1: I'm sorry Dude, I'm a little irritable.
Baby #2: You don't say.
Baby #1: It's just that my binky is permanently embedded in my back fat, this diaper has exceeded maximum capacity, and it is definitely past lunch o'clock.
Baby #2: I hear ya. This gay outfit is making me a little cranky myself.
Baby #1: It's not that bad.
Baby #2: You're just saying that.
Baby #1: That's what friends are for.
Baby #2: Well at least your lunch is right there in the diaper bag. Thanks to the whole "breasts are sexual objects" thing, I have to wait until we get home.
Baby #1: Sucks to be you Dude.
Baby #2: That's what I'm sayin.
Baby #1: But at least your lunch will be fresh and warm and straight from the source.
Baby #2: Yeah. And it doesn't taste like ass.
Baby #1: Watch it.
Baby #2: Sorry. I forget you're sensitive about that.
Baby #1: I'm not sensitive. I'm discerning.
Baby #2: Oh yeah. That's why you put your toes in your mouth.
Baby #1: They satisfy my need for oral gratification, okay? Not all of us have breasts at our beck and call.
Baby #2: Not my issue, man.
Baby #1: Hey...you ever do that motorboat thing?
Baby #2: No.
Baby #1: C'mooooooon....you never even thought about it?
Baby #2: No.
Baby #1: But your face is riiiiiii-
Baby #2: I said no, Dude. No? means no.
Baby #1: You don't deserve to be breastfed. I would totally do the motorboat thing.
Baby #2: Not unless you wanted to find yourself drinking out of a rubber nipple attached to a bottle with rainbows and teddy b...oh, um, yeah. Sorry.
Baby #1: Ouch.
Baby #2: Anyway...you do not disrespect the milk makers my friend.
Baby #1: Yeah. I see your point. Say, uh...speaking of milk makers....Two babies walk into a titty bar....
Baby #2: .......HAHAHA! Milking it! That? Is Classic. You crack my ass up Dude. I mean, you really slay me.
Baby #1: Eh, well, I messed up the punchline a little. I hate it when I do that.
Baby #2: Doesn't matter, Dude. Titty jokes are always funny. I think I pissed myself. For real, I mean.
Baby #1: Well you're in good company then. I'm practically floating away over here. But at least I can use my diaper as a life preserver.
Baby #2: No doubt. What's in these things anyway?
Baby #2: I don't know. Some kind of super absorbent petrochemical crap. We'll probably be sterile someday.
Baby #1: Dude, do not even joke about that.
Baby #1: Sorry. Hey, here come the Moms. Act Natural.
Baby #2: Goo goo. Ga ga.
Baby #1: (Fills diaper explosively)
END SCENE
(Repost, because I am stuck in home improvement hell. God help us.)
posted by Blog Antagonist @ 12:43 PM
10 Comments:
At 2:14 PM,
Middle Girl said…
Just as amusing.
Hope you're outta hell soon.
At 12:15 AM,
flutter said…
this post cracks me up
At 5:55 PM,
Shelley Jaffe said…
Just like switching from left to right, the second is just as sweet.
Maybe you could approach Ben 'N Jerry's about some copy writing??
At 10:35 PM,
Girlplustwo said…
at least your hell is freaking funny.
At 9:10 PM,
Christine said…
BRILLIANT!
At 4:20 PM,
Mike said…
The scarry part is I could so see a couple of guys at my office having this same conversation...
At 1:50 PM,
Laski said…
Did you write this??? More people should read this . . . and comment on the total hilariousness of it all . . .
At 4:18 PM,
Unknown said…
OMG how funny! This is the first time I've been to your blog and I loved that post. I'm crackin up here at work, laffing at my computer like a nut job!
Thanks for the giggles...
At 8:27 AM,
Toni said…
Peeking in from Chicky Chicky Baby and this post almost made me pee my pants. For real, I mean.
At 10:52 AM,
Rusti said…
had to cover my mouth to keep from alerting the boss that I'm not "working" by the giggles coming out of my mouth! that.was.hilarious. LOL - I can't wait until January when my lil Copper is born... thanks for the laughs!
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