Out of the Mouths Of Babes

I'm bringing this one back because the baby in this picture is SEVENTEEN years old today. I could say all kinds of stuff about how time flies and what an amazing young man he's growing into. It does and he is, but I've said it all on birthdays past. I'm just going to think about those days...because I can I remember it with PERFECT clarity...and how much I enjoyed that time of our lives. I got to spend every moment of those sweet, succulent baby days with him and for that I am so grateful. There were sleepless nights, sure. Frantic middle of the night trips to the ER. Agonies over the right way to feed, diaper, potty train. But there were also long, lazy morning of play, sunny afternoons romping in the park, rainy days spent reading books and building block towers. I write about it to remember. This piece is not particularly deep or poignant. It's just fun. Like him. Love you Jase.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

THE SETTING: A trendy tot shop in an upscale suburban mall.

THE PLAYERS: The Real Charlie Brown (Baby #1-right), Pre-Pubescent One (Baby #2-left)

Baby #1: Dude, how long does it take your Mom to pick out a breast pump?

Baby #2: I don't know man. Frankly, I'm baffled by the whole concept. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I can empty a breast in like, 3 minutes. You cannot improve upon perfection my friend.

Baby #1: Okay, Seriously? Enough. You're breastfed. I get it. We all. Get it.

Baby #2: Geez, who pissed in your Enfamil?

Baby #1: Sorry Dude, I'm just a little irritable.

Baby #2: You don't say...

Baby #1: It's just that my binky is embedded in my back fat, this diaper has exceeded maximum capacity, and it is definitely past lunch o'clock.

Baby #2: I hear ya. This outfit is making me a little cranky myself.

Baby #1: It's not that bad....

Baby #2: You're just saying that.

Baby #1: That's what friends are for.

Baby #2: Well at least your lunch is right there in the diaper bag. Thanks to the whole "breasts are sexual objects" thing, I have to wait until we get home.

Baby #1: Sucks to be you Dude.

Baby #2: That's what I'm sayin'.

Baby #1: But at least your lunch will be fresh and warm and straight from the source.

Baby #2: Yeah. AND....it doesn't taste like ass.

Baby #1: Watch it...

Baby #2: Sorry. I forget you're sensitive about that.

Baby #1: I'm not sensitive. I'm discerning.

Baby #2: Says the kid who snacks on toe jam.

Baby #1: Sucking on my toes satisfies my need for oral gratification, okay? Not all of us have breasts at our beck and call.

Baby #2: Not my issue, man.

Baby #1: Hey...you ever do that motorboat thing?

Baby #2: No.

Baby #1: C'mooooooon....you never even thought about it?

Baby #2: NO.

Baby #1: Seriously? You never thought about just puttin your face right in there and -

Baby #2: I said no, Dude, okay? No? Means NO.

Baby #1: You don't deserve to be breastfed. I would totally do the motorboat thing.

Baby #2: Not unless you wanted to find yourself drinking out of a rubber nipple attached to a bottle with rainbows and teddy b...oh, um, yeah. Sorry.

Baby #1: That really cuts a guy.

Baby #2: I said I'm sorry. Anyway...you do not disrespect the milk makers my friend.

Baby #1: Yeah. I see your point. Say, uh...speaking of milk makers....Two babies walk into a titty bar....

Baby #2: .......HAHAHA! Milking it! That? Is Classic. You crack my ass up Dude. I mean, you really slay me.

Baby #1: Eh, well, I messed up the punchline a little. I hate it when I do that.

Baby #2: Doesn't matter, Dude. Titty jokes are always funny. I think I pissed myself. For real, I mean.

Baby #1: You and me both bro. I'm practically floating away over here. But at least I can use my diaper as a life preserver.

Baby #2: No doubt. What's in these things anyway?

Baby #1: I don't know. Some kind of super absorbent petrochemical crap. We'll probably be sterile someday.

Baby #2: Do NOT even joke about that.

Baby #1: Sorry. Hey, here come the Moms. Act Natural.

Baby #2: Goo goo. Ga ga.

Baby #1: (Fills diaper explosively)


END SCENE