Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The Diplomacy of Bubbles

The moment they met, my son dubbed Zach E. the "meanest kid in my class". Never, and I mean never, did he refer to this child without that qualifier. Sometimes, just to mix things up a little, I would interrupt him before he got to the "meanest kid in my class part". He would say, "Zach E." and I would quickly interject "You mean, the meanest kid in your class?", to which he would invariably reply in the affirmative.

Not surprisingly, Zach E. felt exactly the same about Diminutive One. When they were near one another the air between them crackled and sizzled with the electricity of inexplicable irritation; antipathy hanging dark and heavy like storm clouds pregnant with rain. They had to be separated in the classroom...not because they were brawling, but because their dislike of one another made the other children uneasy. They would glance furtively back and forth between the two as if expecting a violent outburst any moment. But they never did fight. They would simply glare malevolenty at one another, silently but effectively telegraphing their shared loathing.

Nobody really knew why they hated each other so. The teacher found them both pleasant enough, and though both strong-willed, neither was ever considered a troublemaker. I spent a lot of time in the classroom as a volunteer, and I never saw Zach E. do anything to justify the moniker my son had bestowed upon him. I often wondered if he had a similar name for my son. It seemed that they pissed each other off just by their very existence.

I have certainly encountered people in my life that I experienced a profound and immediate aversion to. I think we all have, right? But five year olds don't make any pretenses when it comes to social niceties the way adults do. An adult might smile woodenly and feign civility in such a situation, but a 5 year old will glower and opine with unrestrained candor.

Once Diminutive One told me that Zach E. "Has a fat head. It's too round." Apparently he finds fat heads incredibly irksome. Zach E. confided to the teacher that Diminutive One is "too bouncy." To be fair, he is bouncy, and, it can be quite bothersome. Likewise, Zach E. does have a noggin to rival that of Charlie Brown. And it is a little...unsettling.

But I think what it really boiled down to was a case of two Alpha Males trying to reign over the same territory. That's always a recipe for disaster.

So given all that, you can imagine my astonishment when I came upon the scene in this picture:

On the very last day of school, amid the chaos of the Kindergarten picnic, they stole away to a leafy little glen and settled themselves on a small outcropping of earth, where they sat and blew bubbles in congenial, if somewhat tenuous, harmony.

For whatever reason, they had decided to put their differences aside and enjoy the most excellent combination of sunshine, bubbles, and freedom.

Wouldn't it be fantastic if all conflicts could be so easily resolved? What if GeeDubya and Osama could crack open a bottle of bubbles and effect world peace? In my imagination, it goes something like this.....

GWB: Osama, I have here in my posession, a bottle of, uhhhh, Bubble Light soap solution, the purpose of which, is for uhhh...blowing bubbles. Would you care to join me?

Osama: Well, George, I would be delighted, but as you know I am sworn to kill you along with all the sinners and infidels in your country.

GWB: I understand that, uhhh...Osama. I can empathize with this whole, uhhh...Jihad business. But the way I look at it, we can always get back to that tomorrow. Today, let's smoke a peace pipe together...metaphysically speaking of course.

Osama: I suppose I could take a break from international terrorism for just one day. The little Zan is always trying to get me to slow down anyway. Pass that bottle of bubbles this way.

GBW: Excellent. Here ya're...but go easy, there. Them are Texas bubbles, heh.

Osama: Oh George, you are a card. Texas bubbles indeed!

Osama and George sit quietly blowing bubbles, contemplative and companionable. Osama strokes his beard absently, while George squints thoughtfully. Occasionally, one remarks upon the bubble blowing prowess of the other. Their animosity is suspended like the perfect prismatic orbs that shimmer in the air around them. Finally, they speak...

George: Uhhhh, hey there Osama...what exactly are we fighting about anyway? Say, you're uhhh...dragging your beard in the bubbles there.

Osama: Why so I am, thank you. Actually, I'll be darned if I know. We do not believe the same things, but I cannot recall why this is a problem for either one of us. What's in these bubbles anyway George?

George: Truth my dear Osama. Truth.

Osama (nodding thoughtfully): Yes. I think your Texas Bubbles do hold some truth. The bubbles do not quarrel. They exist side by side in harmony. Let us follow the example of the bubbles, and put aside our differences in the name of peace.

George: Now that is the best idea I have heard in a long time. I think Achmed would be proud of us.

Osama: You mean Allah.

George: Yeah, that's what I said.

Osama: George, could I use that one that looks like a kazoo?

George: Absolutely Osama. What's mine is yours. Exept, you know...the Presidency, heh.

Osama (laughing): Ah George! Always with a joke. You are a joking jokester.

And so, the War Against Terror and the Jihad came to an end. The two great nations lived in peace for many decades and Osama and George remained lifelong bubble buddies....

If only it could be that simple. Maybe it is. Maybe age and conviction sometimes bring blindness instead of wisdom. Maybe we complicate things ourselves, and maybe, just maybe, something as simple and silly as bubbles actually could lend some clarity and perspective to those issues. Kids are a lot smarter than we supposedly enlightened adults give them credit for. Pity we don't follow their example more often.


  • At 9:42 PM, Blogger Antique Mommy said…

    Hysterical scene with W and 'Sama! You should write for SNL! And then you end with a universal truth that makes me nod and sigh. Good stuff BA.

  • At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Antique Mommy is right on - that is vintage SNL material there!

    Love that picture of the two kids. There's a lot to be learned from them.

  • At 1:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What a lovely sentiment ---- and only if!

  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger Suburban Turmoil said…

    I love it! Funny and true. And the picture is too cute. :)

  • At 3:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    bubbles = the key to world peace - Love it!

  • At 3:48 PM, Blogger Sandra said…

    There you go again using your humour and insightful observations to make poignant comments on important world issues. How do you do it sister?!

    I am in complete agreement with the comments above ... you should be writing for SNL!

  • At 5:30 PM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    You guys are too kind. I'm not sure I could hack it as a comedy writer, but I sure wouldn't mind the paycheck!!

  • At 8:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, the world would be fun and games and very peaceful if children could run it. I think the t-shirts are the best part of the post, actually. Love that tie-dye.

  • At 9:36 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    I'm glad I finally found the time to sit and read this in its entirety! You had Dubya nailed! I can picture him squinting through the bubbles, internally reminiscing about his days of coke and booze.

    That picture of your son and the fat-headed kid was cute, too. :)

  • At 11:21 PM, Blogger Jess Riley said…

    What a fantastic post!!

    "Say, you're uhhh...dragging your beard in the bubbles there."

    "George, could I use that one that looks like a kazoo?"

    Brilliant. You've definitely got a book in you, girl. :)

  • At 11:25 PM, Blogger Mom101 said…

    Wait, this could so never happen. I mean, W using words like "metaphysical" and "empathize?" I'm not buying it. (But I am laughing and so that will have to do.)

  • At 12:03 AM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    Mrs. Chicky: HA! Fat headed kid. You made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

    Jess: SIGH. I hope you're right. Time will tell, I suppose.

    Mom101: Yes, but, he confused metaphysical and metaphorical, which he's famous for, right? But maybe "empathize" was a little, uhh...highbrow for ole Dubya. ;?)

  • At 1:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What a great post.

  • At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Interesting how you don't want your kids discussed on the WWW, but you have no qualms discussing other peaople's children or making fun of them. Hypocrite comes to mind.

  • At 8:28 PM, Blogger Goslyn said…

    Followed a link from Antique Mommy to this BRILLIANT post. I love it. Am actually going to print it for my husband to read, because I think it will make him chuckle.

    Well written, my dear. I'm glad I found your site.

    And, wow, some of your commenters are WAY touchy. They need to lighten up. Maybe you could offer them some bubbles?


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