Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

If I'm Not Pregnant, I'm Totally Getting A Tattoo

Clearly, I am having some kind of mid-life crisis, which the more astute among you might have concluded from my proliferation of posts on losing myself, feeling regret about the things I haven't accomplished, pining for the days when my children were small and sweet....

I suppose that is why I have the urge to do someting unexpected. Something wild and non-sensical.

Something baaaaaaaaaad.

Not, you know, criminally bad, but, socially unacceptable bad. Saucy wench bad. Female corrections officer bad.

Something to subversively shatter the perception that I am a respectable wife and mother who derives deep satisfaction from nurturing her family and fighting the good fight against dirt and grime.

An affair is out of the question. I know which side my bread is buttered on, and besides, I think I might die of embarassment if I had to show my buttflab and my stretchmarks to somebody new and uninitiated in all the ways that childbearing is devastatingly unkind to a woman's body.

So I think I'm going to get a tattoo.

I haven't been a fan of tattoos, historically. I think most of them are tacky and tasteless and vulgar. No offense, if you have one...I'm sure yours is very nice.

But honestly, tattoos have just never been my thang.

Why has that changed? You'll laugh when I tell you about it.

Last Christmas, the boys each got some temporary tattoos in their stockings. Once, they would have thought temporary tattoos were the shiz-nit of yuletide bounty. But alas, those days are over. So I stuck them away in a drawer.

A couple months later, Husband found them, and suggested, impishly, that I apply one. So I did, or rather, he did. He put it in the classic tramp stamp location right above my butt crack.

To my surpise, I thought it looked kind of hot. You know, in a tarted up schoolmarm kind of way.

He thought it was hot too.

Over the course of the next couple months, we used them all up. It was fun. It made me feel...wild. Uninhibited. Baaaaaaaaaad.

And I began to think maybe I should get a permanent one.

Now, if you know me you know that I never do anything without anyalyzing it to death. So there's not really any danger of me doing something like that off the cuff and then regretting it a week later. Spontaneity is not an evil that I wrestle with.

I've been researching the pros and cons, the cost and risk of removal if I decide I hate it, the best place to put one so it won't end up looking like a Salvador Dali painting, and reputable establishments in the area.

The one thing I haven't been able to decide on, is a design. Although I have seen some that are incredibly beautiful, it's the artistry that I appreciate, not the medium. And of course, I have seen some of exemplary tastelessness.

Are you shocked? Oddly, I am, though I shouldn't be. Human beings simply cannot be surpsassed for pointless and imbecilic behavior.

That, along with the fact that people do make assumptions about other people with tattoos, led me to the decision that regardless of what I ultimately chose, mine would not be on public display.

I looked at literally thousands. Some were pretty. Some were whimsical. Some were suggestive and fun. Some I liked a lot, but couldn't see saddling myself with for all eternity. None of them were quite right.

I really need for it to be perfect to commit myself body and soul to having permanent ink injected under my epidermis. And because I couldn't find anything that I really, really loved, I concluded that it just wasn't meant to be, and I abandoned the idea, at least for the time being.

Then, recently purely by chance, I ran across some pictures of Mendhi. I had forgotten what a beatiful and graceful art form Mendhi really is.

And it was EXACTLY what I wanted.

I set out to find a design, which proved to be harder than I thought. Mendhi is really not intended to be permanent. Traditionally it is applied by a Mendhi artist with a temporaray henna dye. It is a Middle Easter custom for brides, and sometimes, bridegrooms.

So finding a design for a permanent tattoo turned out to be challenging. Many were close, but lacked the authenticity that I really wanted.

But finally, fortuitously and with a heart pumping joy that surprised me, I stumbled upon the perfect design.

The site uses anti-theft technology, so I can't reproduce it for you here. You'll have to follow the link if you want to see it. The artist has several designs in this style, so if you like it, be sure to check them out.

I am ridiculously excited over this stupid thing. So, if I'm not pregnant, I'm totally going to get a tattoo. Probably. Most...likely.

Note to self: Ask tattoo artist just how "permanent" tattoo ink really is. Also inquire as to what typically happens when someone freaks the flock out halfway through the procedure and decides they have made a grave mistake.

There should be a 5 second rule for tattoos.

I bet a lot more people would get them if there was.

The tattoo industry really needs to take that idea and run with it.

ADDENDUM: OMG, look what I found on Amazon.

It's a pkg containing 4 pages of temporary henna tattoos in the typical Mendhi style. I can try before I buy! How cool is that?

I bought the pkg with paisley and floral and also one of assorted designs. I can't wait to try them out.


  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger kristianekat said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger kristianekat said…

    OMG! The belly tatoo is the best thing I have seen all day - truely funny.

    I'm 33 and contemplating my first tatoo - for many of the reasons you describe. I'm in the process of losing some weight, and the tatoo is my goal prize. I like the Mendhi also, but I'm continuing to look. There's a great book called, Ink, that I recommend you check out.

  • At 3:32 PM, Blogger J. Denae said…

    I got my first tattoo a few months ago (I'm 33 also) and I'm glad I waited - and it DID hurt - but I am ready for the next one!!

  • At 4:10 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    mendhi style tattoos are the most beautiful things ever. i am an inked person and I love it LOVE IT.

  • At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Just think about all those 19 and 20 yr olders running around with tatts on their lower back.

    Soon, we're going to have a mess load of middle aged women with tattoos.

    I say go fer it!

  • At 5:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wait, wait - "IF I'm not pregnant"?????? You are SUCH a tease, girl!

    I love your mendhi choice, but am completely grossed out by the stupid beer belly tattoo. :-)

  • At 5:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    OK, sorry - that's what happens when I don't get here every day, and read from newest to older. I'll suck it up and wait, like everybody else!

  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    I love that one!
    It's funny you posted this today... My girlfriend and I were talking about having a mom's night in and doing henna (similar to mendhi I think?) and I'm going to have them decorate my very ample tummy. I think it will bring us good luck right before the delivery...

    Anyway ~ I think that rocks and I would like to get a tattoo there, also ~ tramp stamp or not. I have a tiny one on my shoulder now and I think a couple tasteful ones are totally baaaad :)

  • At 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That's not FAIR. I cannot have an affair for just the reasons you name, but I am Jewish, so I can't get a tattoo either. What am I supposed to do for my midlife crisis?

  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger Middle Girl said…

    Ick, belly.
    Yay, tattoo-you. Though I'm not a tattoo person, probably you are a perfect candidate. Maybe. :)

  • At 9:09 PM, Blogger Woman in a Window said…

    I'll tell ya, I have been waiting for about 20 years to find the right tattoo. My plan is 40th birthday but then my sister who is older went and did that. That really sucked. Anyhoo, the Mendhi designs are freaken beautiful. I'll have to check them out.

  • At 10:31 PM, Blogger Major Bedhead said…

    I've been going back and forth about getting a tattoo for a long time. I think I want to get a Jizo, but where? And how big? And yeah, it seems like a huge commitment and then there's the whole sagging thing and, well, I just never did it.

    I am a prevaricator of the highest order on this issue, obviously.

  • At 11:18 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I'm NOT a fan of tattoos, as you probably know. I think that they are trashy and ugly and look HORRIBLE on older women. Plus... they're supposed to be counter culture and bad, but honestly, every fricking woman over 18 and under 35 has at least one. How counterculture can them be if EVERYONE has one?

    But I LOVE mendhi. LOVE IT. I've had it done on my hands and it is gorgeous. I can't imagine it as a tramp stamp, but I think it could be really beautiful in a small BROWN design on an ankle or the top of a foot. Someplace where you can hide it if you're going out to a fancy dinner.

    Why don't you get a mendhi design first and see if you love it, and then go permanent.

    If there is a large Indian population somewhere in your big city, you'll find someone that does Mendhi.

  • At 11:42 PM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    Yes, Margalit, I'm thinking brown too. Black is too harsh. I'm sure an experienced tattoist can come up with a nice rich henna color for me. I hope. If not, forget it. I don't want black.

  • At 11:45 PM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    Emily, how about an erotic piercing?? What better way to celebrate the decrepitude of our woman parts than to skewer them with metal?

  • At 3:18 AM, Blogger merinz said…

    Go for it! Have you thought of a Maori/Pacific Island design.

  • At 3:29 AM, Blogger JChevais said…

    I have a friend who is tattoo heavy with fairies and flowers and birds all over her arms and shoulders. She also has them on her ankles.

    When I mentioned her biker girl "look" to her, she told me that she likes watching motorcycle races. So. Okay.

    Anyway, for her, a person who considered herself uncreative, she found that having her skin tattooed made her a living canvas. After all, that skin is stretched out and ready for us to ink.

    I can totally respect that.

  • At 6:21 AM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    I've tossed around the concept of a tattoo, but when it seemed like 80% of my peers already had one (and then my father-in-law got one!, it seemed a little more counterculture to not have one.

    That said, Mendhi is gorgeous and I could see that as being almost dignified in the sea of tasmanian devils and sports logo tattoos out there. But, if you are wondering if you are pregnant. . .well, that is a whole other post isn't it?

  • At 7:09 AM, Blogger elastic waistland said…


    If I had to get a tattoo (because I can't imagine ever choosing to get one...but obviously people change their mind on these things)I would probably pick something similar. Very tasteful and artistic.

  • At 7:35 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    I have 7 of them. I got my first at 28 and my most recent this past winter. All of mine are original designs, not flash made by that tattoo artists. I consider them my very own art gallery.

    My each his/her own. I have seen plenty of tattoos that I thought were tasteless, just as I have seen plenty of outfits, hairstyles, and attitudes that were just as tasteless.

    BA~~~ If it makes you happy-------go for it!

  • At 7:47 AM, Blogger The Woman Formerly Known as Jenn said…

    Here is your design, on a page you can copy and paste from:

    Nice choice! I want a Celtic design around my ankle but my husband is anti-tattoo and so far I haven't felt like having that battle. That may change in the future.

  • At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I had my friend, who does henna tattoos do a design on my very round belly when I was pregnant with both of my kids. My first ob/gyn didn't appear to be fond of it. I switched doctors with my second. Who needs a judgmental ob/gyn?

    Even the temp tattoos can say something about you to certain people. Sure people will make a snap judgment, but, it's kind of a good thing---like a filter for assholes. Just like my opinion of the guy in that picture. I already know I don't need to know him.

  • At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I personally have two tatoos (and to see me on the street you would never imagine) - one on my chest & one on my ankle - both are very small, not quite the size of a half dollar. I can say that I don't regret either tatoo - each time I got one it was to celebrate a phase in my life. Honestly I don't think about them much - only my husband sees the one on my chest (thank God I was 19 when I got it - kinda odd sitting in a tatoo parlor with an inked up guy holding your boob & drawing on it), sometimes people will comment about the one on my ankle, but have never had any bad comments. I will warn you - THEY HURT! They hurt bad, I cursed like a sailor during the ankle tatoo. But once you make it thru the outline, the coloring in isn't as bad. And you have a complete high afterwards (a good tatoo parlor will advise you of the after "high") because of endorphins or something! So good luck - I think you should go for it...I don't think it is something you will regret...I don't!

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger Sarahviz said…

    I've always wanted a tattoo. But have never known what to get or where to put it. So at 35, I still don't have one!

  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger Green-Eyed Momster said…

    I wonder if that guy sticks thinks in his belly button! How gross!
    Well, B.A. You know I got a tattoo for my 42nd birthday, because it was a 10 year mark of being smoke and drug free. I wanted it for me. I love the sun. The design was never an issue and I ended up getting a moon/sun combination that looks way better with shading than the sketch.
    I love, love, love it! I have no regrets. It makes me feel young. It makes me want to walk around my bedroom naked. I forget about it because I can't see it without a mirror, but when I get a glimps of it, I smile! I hardly even notice my dimply butt anymore!!
    You should totally do it but whatever you do, don't Wikipedia Tattoos! Scared me so bad.....I almost didn't go through with it.

  • At 1:06 PM, Blogger Green-Eyed Momster said…

    I emailed you a picture!!

  • At 9:32 PM, Blogger crazymumma said…

    soul girl

    I bought the henna hearts tattoos last year after playing with tattoo ideas.

  • At 12:49 PM, Blogger nina michelle said…

    i didnt think it would be so difficult to find a tattoo artist that could do Mendhi... i LOVE that picture of the bridal henna tattoos... thats what I want on my feet...

    as far as that other picture goes that is reason #27 that I am a lesbian... men are blantantly icky.

  • At 3:29 PM, Blogger Jenn @ Juggling Life said…

    Tip from the well-researched tattoo artist that did my son's: Make sure the artist uses MRI safe ink--otherwise you'll be in a lot of pain if/when you get an MRI.

    It's very pretty, as tattoos go.

  • At 3:29 PM, Blogger Jenn @ Juggling Life said…

    Tip from the well-researched tattoo artist that did my son's: Make sure the artist uses MRI safe ink--otherwise you'll be in a lot of pain if/when you get an MRI.

    It's very pretty, as tattoos go.


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