Crossroads

I don't know how working Moms do it. I really don't.

I've been a stay at home Mom for 13 years. When the boys were small, I loved being home with them. My job then was parenting, which was something I enjoyed, something I felt confident in my ability to do well, and something that gave me a lot of satisfaction.

As you know, my Diminutive One was a very challenging infant and toddler, so when he started kindergarten, I danced a little jig and reveled in the sheer hedonism of finally having some time alone. Some time for meeeeeeeeeeeeee.

For a year or two, it was great. But pretty soon, it began to get old.

And now, I find myself at a crossroads of sorts. I don't want to be home anymore. It's boring. I don't particularly enjoy housework or cooking. I feel like my brain is dying a slow death from intellectual starvation. I am depressed by the lack of anything interesting to look forward to each day.

Basically, I feel like a glorified workhorse and it is making me very resentful and sullen. I am not enjoying my life right now.

I think a sense of purpose is a fundamental element to personal fulfillment. It is something that I currently lack.

So I need a job for those reasons, but there is also the issue of money.

My husband makes a very good living. When the boys were small, it really wasn't hard to make ends meet on one salary.

They didn't know they were wearing clothes from Wal-Mart and they wouldn't have cared if they did. They didn't know their toys came from Big Lots. They didn't know that they were eating off brand snack crackers or wearing generic diapers.

Sure we sacrificed, but we believed in what we were doing. To us, the sacrifices were small and the rewards were great.

Most of the time, we do just fine. We're luckier than a lot of Americans. But it's getting harder and harder as the boys get older. If you thought diapers and formula were expensive...just wait.

We have one in braces and the other needs them soon as well. That's ten thousand dollars worth of orthodontia folks. Both take expensive medications. Diminutive One sees a therapist weekly.

There are dentist and doctor visits. And we can no longer make do with buzzing their hair in the kitchen with a barber's clippers. It costs a lot of money to look like Zac Efron. In that respect, I thank my lucky stars that I don't have any girls. I must have cost my parents a fortune in hairspray alone.

There are sports and enrichment activities, which both husband and I consider essential. Pre-Pubescent One plays All Star baseball every summer and Diminutive One takes theatre classes. Ideally, I would like each of them to learn to play an instrument as well.

I strongly believe in raising well rounded children. I want them to do all the things I longed to do when I was a child. If they want to try it, I want to be able to let them.

I had no brothers growing up, so I had no idea how much boys eat. Fresh produce and wholesome nutritious snacks are ridiculously expensive. Between the two of them, they can decimate a week's supply of fresh fruit in days.

Pre-Pubescent One now wears men's sizes, so the cost of shoes and clothing has doubled. You can't buy a pair of shoes for the kids for less than $50 and that's for the cheapest of the cheap. The shoes he really covets, but which he was refused on the basis that it is ridiculous to spend that kind of money on shoes for a 13 year old boy whose size literally, changes weekly, are $130 Nike Shoxx.

In addition, he will be driving in TWO YEARS. Do you have any idea how much it costs to insure an adolescent male?? It's un. believable. Diminutive One will be joining him in a scant two years, and then we will be insuring two young male drivers.

I don't even want to talk about college. We have small mutual funds for each of the boys, but the cost of higher education is skyrocketing and it just won't be enough.

I used to scoff derisively at women who worked just to have things. My sister in law works only to afford hair, nails and designer clothing. I still don't hold with that. I don't believe in conspicious consumption or rampant consumerism. But the honest truth is...I'm tired of never having money for things.

So I've been thinking a lot about going back to work. After 13 years as my own boss, it's a prospect that is both terrifying and thrilling. But it's the juggling of every day stuff that really has me worried.

Diminutive One gets on the bus at 7:05 each morning, Pre-Pubescent One, 8:45. Diminutive One gets home at 2:30 pm, Pre-Pubescent One, 4:45. There is homework to supervise, chauffering to be done.

And what happens when the kids get sick? What about school holidays? What about early release days? Doctor, dentist, therapy and orthodontist visits?

Diminutive One is not old enough to be left home alone in the afternoons and Pre-Pubescent One is too distractible to get himself out the door on time in the mornings. They can't walk to and from school if they miss the bus. We have NO family who could help us out in that regard. We have nobody to be on standby in case of an emergency.

How in the world do I find a job that will accomodate such a crazy way of life?

Any job that would fit our lifestyle would not be something I would be happy doing. I've done retail, I've done food service, I've done production and manual labor. I'm past the point in my life when I'm willing to do mindless drudgework for substandard pay.

I would like a real job. A nine to five pantyhose wearing doing business lunch thinking for myself grown up type of job. But the logistics just don't work. Even that kind of job would present daunting challenges. And I wonder if it would really be as satisfying as I need it to be.

Realistically, I'm not the kind of person to be satisfied with an ordinary job. I need to feel passion and love for what I do.

So I'm stuck. And I suspect I'm not the only Mom to find herself in this position.

I don't for a moment regret giving up my job to stay at home with my children. I just wish that I had had a little more foresight about what to do when the mothering gig became a part time thing. Someday, they will be gone and my motherhood status will be token only. I need to start thinking about that eventuality.

It's not easy to carve out an identity seperate from that of "mother". It's hard to think about being and doing everything. It's hard to give up, but it's harder to get back.

Sometimes, I wish I had been indoctrinated with the belief that my role, my duty, my destiny...was to take care of my house and my children. Sometimes I wish I had been taught that it's all I need to be fulfilled and happy.

I wrote not long ago about loving the fifties and longing for it's simplicity, but the truth of the matter is, I would have been really, really terrible at being a woman back then.

So what is the point of this admittedly whiny and self-indulgent post? I've said it before, but it bears repeating. Stay home with your children if it's what you feel is right. Don't apologize, dont justify.

But keep a piece of yourself for the future. Feed it. Nurture it. Protect the sanctity and satisfaction of your mind, as you would the children who have issued from your body.

It's a difficult lesson to learn when it's already almost to late.