Worst. Job. Ever.

This year and last, I have had to give permission for Pre-Pubescent One to participate in health class.

I signed willingly and even eagerly.

Not because I wanted to pass the buck, but because there is just as much appallingly weird and stupid misinformation out there as there was when I was 13, and I figure that we have a better chance at debunking some of those myths by working together.

Last night, after watching the most retarded movie of all time, (Hot Rod) he asked if he could get in bed with me while I read. He hasn't done that in a long time, (he's waaaaaaaay too mature and cool for that, yannow) so I knew something was on his mind.

We crawled in and got settled and then I waited. It didn't take long.

The long and short of it is that there is this new girl that he likes and he doesn't know how to approach her. He has decided to write her a letter. It's not like him to be so reticent with girls. He's usually very confident and assertive.

I asked him what it was about her that had him so tied up in knots. He didn't know. I asked him what it was he liked about her and he blushed. I figured she must have some pretty amazing erm....physical assets.

"It's stupid." he said. "You'll think it's dumb."

"No, I won't." I promised, trying to sound as earnest as I possibly could. But I was already preparing the speech in my head about liking girls for reasons other than the chestical.

"Well...." he hedged, "She's really funny and smart. She has a good personality."

"Dude. That's the best reason to like someone. Why would I think that's dumb?"

He shrugged; a universally accepted form of communication amongst the pre-pubescent set.

We had a good talk. And, as sometimes happens when discussing the fairer sex, the discussion turned to well...sex.

Now, Husband and I have tried very hard to foster an attitude of openness in our home regarding sex. Not that we walk around starkers or copulate in the living room or anything...I don't want to give you the wrong idea.

Okay, sometimes we tongue each other just to gross the boys out but that's as far as it goes, I swear.

But seriously...both of us grew up in homes with very conservative sexual attitudes. And although I suspect that both of our parents do and did have a pretty healthy sex life, (ew) it was not something that was discussed. Ever.

So we want our boys to view sex as natural and normal and most of all, not something to be ashamed of. We want them to know that they can always talk to us about sex, and that they can rely on us to give them the truth, always, no matter how difficult it might be.

And trust me, sometimes, it is. Really. Difficult. Massively. Difficult.

As Pre-pubescent one and I chatted, he brought up some of those strange myths.

"I heard you can't get pregnant if the girl is on top and the boy is on the bottom because gravity makes all the, umm...stuff, come out."

"Absolutely not true. Listen to me, dude. The ONLY way to not get pregnant? Is to not have sex. Period."

"But what about anal sex?"

WHO WHA?? Did my 13 year old child just ask me about anal sex??

Easy Big Girl. Calm down. Freak out and you lose him. Breathe. Focus. It's all good. These questions are all good.

"Ummmm, where did you hear about anal sex?" I asked, the epitome of nonchalance.

"Health class, Mom."

"They taught you about anal sex in health class?"

"Yep."

"Hmmmph."

"You signed the permission slip, Mom. Remember?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Well can you?"

"Can you what?"

"Get pregnant by having anal sex?"

"Ohhhhh, umm, no. You can't. But you can get AIDS. So you should still practice safe sex."

"I know that. They taught us that in health class too."

And then, strangely, my own discomfort seemed a little less acute. Because all I could think about was how awful it would be if I was the guy that had to stand up in front of a room full of 13 year old boys and discuss anal sex.

That poor bastard.

That poor, grievously underpaid bastard.