Out of the Mouths Of Babes

THE SETTING: A trendy tot shop in an upscale suburban mall.

THE PLAYERS: The Real Charlie Brown (Baby #1-right), Pre-Pubescent One (Baby #2-left)

Baby #1: Dude, how long does it take your Mom to pick out a breast pump?

Baby #2: I don't know man. Frankly, I'm baffled by the whole concept. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I can empty a breast in like, 3 minutes. You cannot improve upon perfection my friend.

Baby #1: Okay, Seriously? Enough. You're breastfed. I get it. We all. Get it.

Baby #2: Geez, who pissed in your Enfamil?

Baby #1: I'm sorry Dude, I'm a little irritable.

Baby #2: You don't say.

Baby #1: It's just that my binky is permanently embedded in my back fat, this diaper has exceeded maximum capacity, and it is definitely past lunch o'clock.

Baby #2: I hear ya. This gay outfit is making me a little cranky too.

Baby #1: It's not that bad.

Baby #2: You're just saying that.

Baby #1: That's what friends are for.

Baby #2: Well at least your lunch is right there in the diaper bag. Thanks to the whole "breasts are sexual objects" thing, I have to wait until we get home.

Baby #1: Sucks to be you Dude.

Baby #2: That's what I'm sayin.

Baby #1: But at least your lunch will be fresh and warm and straight from the source.

Baby #2: Yeah. And it doesn't taste like ass.

Baby #1: Watch it.

Baby #2: Sorry. I forget you're sensitive about that.

Baby #1: I'm not sensitive. I'm discerning.

Baby #2: Oh yeah. That's why you put your toes in your mouth.

Baby #1: They satisfy my need for oral gratification, okay? Not all of us have breasts at our beck and call.

Baby #2: Not my issue, man.

Baby #1: Hey...you ever do that motorboat thing?

Baby #2: No.

Baby #1: C'mooooooon....you never even thought about it?

Baby #2: No.

Baby #1: But your face is riiiiiii-

Baby #2: I said no, Dude. No? means no.

Baby #1: You don't deserve to be breastfed. I would totally do the motorboat thing.

Baby #2: Not unless you wanted to find yourself drinking out of a sippy cup with rainbows on it.

Baby #1: Ouch.

Baby #2: You do not disrespect the milk makers my friend.


Baby #1: Yeah. I see your point. Say, uh...speaking of milk makers....Two babies walk into a titty bar....



Baby #2: .......HAHAHA! Milking it! That? Is Classic. You crack my ass up Dude. I mean, you really slay me.

Baby #1: I messed up the punchline a little. I hate it when I do that.

Baby #2: Doesn't matter, Dude. Titty jokes are always funny. Seriously, I think I pissed myself.

Baby #1: Well you're in good company then. I'm practically floating away over here. But at least I can use my diaper as a life preserver.

Baby #2: No doubt. What's in those things anyway?

Baby #2: I don't know. Some kind of super absorbent petrochemical spongy stuff. We'll probably be sterile someday.

Baby #1: Dude, do not even joke about that.

Baby #1: Sorry. Hey, here come the Moms. Act Natural.

Baby #2: Goo goo. Ga ga.

Baby #1: (Fills diaper explosively)

END SCENE

(Just a note: My kids are on Spring Break, and husband has taken off as well so we can paint, so please forgive my lack of commenting this week.)