Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Worst. Job. Ever.

This year and last, I have had to give permission for Pre-Pubescent One to participate in health class.

I signed willingly and even eagerly.

Not because I wanted to pass the buck, but because there is just as much appallingly weird and stupid misinformation out there as there was when I was 13, and I figure that we have a better chance at debunking some of those myths by working together.

Last night, after watching the most retarded movie of all time, (Hot Rod) he asked if he could get in bed with me while I read. He hasn't done that in a long time, (he's waaaaaaaay too mature and cool for that, yannow) so I knew something was on his mind.

We crawled in and got settled and then I waited. It didn't take long.

The long and short of it is that there is this new girl that he likes and he doesn't know how to approach her. He has decided to write her a letter. It's not like him to be so reticent with girls. He's usually very confident and assertive.

I asked him what it was about her that had him so tied up in knots. He didn't know. I asked him what it was he liked about her and he blushed. I figured she must have some pretty amazing erm....physical assets.

"It's stupid." he said. "You'll think it's dumb."

"No, I won't." I promised, trying to sound as earnest as I possibly could. But I was already preparing the speech in my head about liking girls for reasons other than the chestical.

"Well...." he hedged, "She's really funny and smart. She has a good personality."

"Dude. That's the best reason to like someone. Why would I think that's dumb?"

He shrugged; a universally accepted form of communication amongst the pre-pubescent set.

We had a good talk. And, as sometimes happens when discussing the fairer sex, the discussion turned to

Now, Husband and I have tried very hard to foster an attitude of openness in our home regarding sex. Not that we walk around starkers or copulate in the living room or anything...I don't want to give you the wrong idea.

Okay, sometimes we tongue each other just to gross the boys out but that's as far as it goes, I swear.

But seriously...both of us grew up in homes with very conservative sexual attitudes. And although I suspect that both of our parents do and did have a pretty healthy sex life, (ew) it was not something that was discussed. Ever.

So we want our boys to view sex as natural and normal and most of all, not something to be ashamed of. We want them to know that they can always talk to us about sex, and that they can rely on us to give them the truth, always, no matter how difficult it might be.

And trust me, sometimes, it is. Really. Difficult. Massively. Difficult.

As Pre-pubescent one and I chatted, he brought up some of those strange myths.

"I heard you can't get pregnant if the girl is on top and the boy is on the bottom because gravity makes all the, umm...stuff, come out."

"Absolutely not true. Listen to me, dude. The ONLY way to not get pregnant? Is to not have sex. Period."

"But what about anal sex?"

WHO WHA?? Did my 13 year old child just ask me about anal sex??

Easy Big Girl. Calm down. Freak out and you lose him. Breathe. Focus. It's all good. These questions are all good.

"Ummmm, where did you hear about anal sex?" I asked, the epitome of nonchalance.

"Health class, Mom."

"They taught you about anal sex in health class?"



"You signed the permission slip, Mom. Remember?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Well can you?"

"Can you what?"

"Get pregnant by having anal sex?"

"Ohhhhh, umm, no. You can't. But you can get AIDS. So you should still practice safe sex."

"I know that. They taught us that in health class too."

And then, strangely, my own discomfort seemed a little less acute. Because all I could think about was how awful it would be if I was the guy that had to stand up in front of a room full of 13 year old boys and discuss anal sex.

That poor bastard.

That poor, grievously underpaid bastard.


  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger Maddy said…

    We're not quite at that stage yet, but it sounds as if you made a wise choice with that class and the trust between you guys comes shining through.
    BEst wishes

  • At 11:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My 14 year old would rather die than ask us that kind of question. He doesn't even mention girls although he has been having a shower more often and cleans his teeth every day now so I'm assuming it won't be long. We did catch him looking at a porn site on the pc and all he said was "well put block on it then"...and shrugged! I would have been mortified if my parents had even caught me looking at a man in swimming trunks(yeuck). Modern kids eh?
    Great blog- off to read some more if that's ok with you?

  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    Ok, you have your shit together because I am pretty sure I would have died of some sort of combustive disorder.

    The more I read the more I think I am meant to be an old cat lady who travels a lot. wow.

  • At 1:41 PM, Blogger S said…

    Because all I could think about was how awful it would be if I was the guy that had to stand up in front of a room full of 13 year old boys and discuss anal sex.

    What makes you think it's a guy? Or is it simply too, too awful to imagine the alternative?


  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    LOL! The permission slip expressly stated that the boys would be in a class with only boys instructed by a male teacher and the girls would be in a class with only girls, instructed by a female teacher.

    Same sex or not, it had to have been brutal. 13 year old boys are just....well, you'll see. ;?)

  • At 2:26 PM, Blogger Tania said…

    I can't believe that they discussed anal sex in school. I suppose it's a controlled environment, but still!!! Good for you for having such an open environment for discusion.

  • At 2:27 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    i cannot even fathom that job. i hated the year i had to teach anatomy, though thankfully (??) i never got to the reproductive chapter.

    ps - your entries are coming through in their entirety in bloglines; think you might have accidentally switched something??

  • At 4:01 PM, Blogger Mutha Mae said…

    I cannot tell you the amount of "good religious girls" I knew who were saving themselves for marriage and therefore wouldn't have intercourse but WOULD have anal sex. 13, 14, 15. The boyfriend could get all the anal sex he wanted and she still remained a virgin. I am not shocked it was brought up in Health. It was rampant when I was 13 and I'm 36. Imagine what's happening today. Good for you guys for being so open. You're raising a good future boyfriend for some lucky girl!

  • At 5:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You make a compelling point. A very compelling point. Wow. My job doesn't suck near as much as I suspected!

  • At 6:08 PM, Blogger Gross|Photo said…

    What a wonderful, wonderful topic and you handled it very well IMO. I can remember having a very similar discussion with my daughters and that's years ago. Great job with the blog and your answers.

  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger Carol said…

    You're a rockin' mom! Kudos to you!

    Kinda reminds me of the time Elisabeth asked me about blow jobs in the produce section of Safeway when she was 12.


  • At 7:06 PM, Blogger jean said…

    Oh boy. I didn't realize that the schools talked about that. I knew they had sex ed, but silly me, just thought it was plain old fashion sex. That must be the worst thing to have to discuss with kids. I know, it has to be done, but still, it has to be hard. I hope I am as open and honest as you.

  • At 7:46 PM, Blogger cerebralmum said…

    Lol. I hope my son will be talking to me that comfortably when he grows up. My mother gave us the basics of sex ed just before we started primary school so that we wouldn't get all the crazy bad information from other kids and I will probably do the same.

    Still, the other day a friend's 9 yr old daughter came back from her parental-permission-required "health" class and it kind of creeped me out. As much as I intend to be open about sex with my son, I don't think I would be comfortable with someone else teaching him about it. Not at 9 years old anyway.

    But this post made me feel better. Definitely not a fun job.

  • At 8:34 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Oh dear. I had heard about this 'anal sex' loophole and it freaks me out. I'm not sure I'll be able to keep it together if one of my girls says, "hey, don't worry mom! We didn't really have sex, we had anal!"

  • At 9:56 PM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    Parenthood: not for the weak hearted.

  • At 10:12 PM, Blogger crazymumma said…

    What struck me here is that your 13year old son is TALKING to you about all that STUFF.

    Screams volumes about your parenting.

    And I am not, I swear NOT trying to plug my blog, but you gotta go read my last post. Talk about being put on the spot....

  • At 4:20 AM, Blogger Polgara said…

    The couldnt pay me enough!

  • At 8:42 AM, Blogger Emily said…

    I think I love you for the title to the post.

    I was just thinking about this whole issue yesterday. I think I like that this is discussed in school, not because I want them to do my job for me, but because I feel for the kids whose parents don't talk to them about this stuff.

  • At 2:39 PM, Blogger Mitzi Green said…

    that's it. i'm sending you my 6 year old son. and probably this next kid once it's old enough to start talking and asking questions.

  • At 8:22 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    Welcome to the world of teenagers and education in America. My excuse is I must have been a miserable person in a former life to deserve this punishment for questions like this too. Rather my mom kept warning me "I can't wait until you have kids!". Great answers Mom!

  • At 11:47 PM, Blogger Blue Peacock said…

    Wow. You handled the sitaution really well, and it's so great that he could talk to you about that. I was uncomfortable just reading the post! Hopefully when my little guy turns 13, I'll be more mature (yeah, right) than I am now.

  • At 9:29 PM, Blogger Student of Life said…

    Can you imagine the Beavis and Butthead chorus performing in the back of that classroom?!? Oh my God. Sounds like your son saved his questions for a person he knew wouldn't laugh or judge him for his curiosity.

    I cannot fathom a school in my not-so-progressive state (straight up I-85 from yours) even broaching the subject of anal sex. In fact, there's probably not much more to sex ed here than It'sEvilDon'tDoItOrYou'llGoToHell.


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