Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Friday, April 04, 2008

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

You know how they say that women peak much later in life than men?

Totally true.

For most of our marriage, Husband and I have had grossly mismatched libidos. As a result, he's been waiting for me to peak for about 10 years. I think he was beginning to suspect that the whole thing was a myth, perpetrated by women to keep their husbands clinging to the hope that someday, someday, wives everywhere would suddenly transform into raging sex maniacs.

But lo and behold, on the verge of my fourth decade, I have suddenly become a raging sex maniac.

Now, I don't think this is strictly a physiological phenomenon.

My kids are becoming increasingly less dependant you see. And no longer is my every waking moment consumed with the care, feeding, and entertainment of an adorable but demanding little taskmaster.

Those years are tough, particularly for stay at home Moms. And they were rougher still for me, during Diminutive One's infancy and toddlerhood. I was emotionally, physically and psychologically drained by his needs.

And that, of course, does not make for a very sexually dynamic Mama.

For years I thought I would be perfectly happy if I never had sex again.

Because sex became a chore and an obligation; just another thing to cross off of my already endless list before I could sleep, eat, or otherwise see to my own needs. I became very resentful when Husband pushed for sex and I became especially resentful when he asked for certain erm..."favors". I felt then that I was nothing more than an object for sexual gratification. I found it demeaning and of course, that only heightened my resentment further.

Poor guy. He couldn't win for losing. I didn't want to be physically intimate with him in a meaningful, emotionally satisfying manner, but I didn't want to give the brother a helping hand,, either.

I realize now how rejected he felt. I just didn't get that for men, sex = love. And I think he realizes now that I was overwhelmed and exhausted. But at the time, neither of us saw what was right in front of us. We were both thinking in a very singular way: I'm not getting enough sex. I'm tired of meeting everyone else's needs. Instead of: We have a problem that needs to be addressed.

Needless to say, this impacted our emotional intimacy in a big way. It was a rough patch for us, those years. We both felt overlooked by the other.

At one point, Husband decided to take the proverbial bull by the horns and purchased a book called "101 Night of Great Sex" by Laura Corn.

I was not amused.

I have to say that the premise of this book is a sound one. The purpose is to take the focus off the minutaie of everyday life and put it back onto fostering romance and intimacy, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, at that point in our lives, it backfired quite profoundly, because it took something that I already viewed as an obligation, and made it even more of a chore. I couldn't embrace or enjoy the spirit of the thing because I felt pressured and resentful.

NOW I think it would be fantastic fun. I know that book is still around here somewhere...I might even go dig it out. But then, oy. If there was already a chill between us, things deteriorated to downright frostiness.

How did we get through that?

You know, I don't know. I wish I had some words of wisdom or some fantastic advice, but really...I just don't know. I guess, because we had a strong relationship beforehand, because we really did love each other very much deep down, and because we were committed to giving our children a stable, loving home to grow up in, we just kind of floundered through it.

Also, I think, we both matured a great deal during those years.

So fast forward to present day... Things are getting easier. My kids are in school all day. They can dress, bathe, feed, wipe and buckle up themselves. Diminutive One's problems have been addressed and he is thriving. Pre-Pubescent One is reaching an age where he is largely independant.

More importantly, my erogenous zones are once again my own. My breasts are just breasts, not instruments of sustenance and comfort. I am not contantly being clung to or sat upon. I have the luxury of spending some time to make myself feel feminine and attractive, where it used to be a great accomplishment simply to get my hair brushed.

All that, combined with the fact that my hormones are what I would tentatively call "normal" for the first time in my entire life, is making me one horny mother.

It's weird.

I think about sex all the time. I have been stricken with a profound and unrelenting urge in the middle of almost every activity at some point; scrubbing toilets, grocery shopping, cooking name it.

After years of looking right through most men, including my poor spouse, I now find myself looking at asses and crotches in the grocery store, on the street, at the ballpark.

Sometimes I can't help but grope my husband, which elicits tongue in cheek remarks such as "Geez, what am I, a piece of meat?" and "Is that all I am to you? An object?"

I have even begun initiating sex. That is huge.

Of course, this does me no absolutely no good when Husband is at work. But you know what's good for that?

Instant Messaging.

I've never been very good at dirty talking. I grew up in a very sexually conservative household and those attitudes are deeply ingrained. Unfortunately, it's kind of a mood killer when your wife croons, "Oooooh yeah baby, have intercourse with me!"

So I've been trying. But it's difficult. However, with instant messageing, I am freeeeeeeeeee. I can say stuff I would never dream of saying to his face. The first time I did it, I was a little hesitant and awkward, but now, I just let it fly. Be forewarned, there is an art to this. There is a fine line between sounding like a sexy, sultry nymph and a clap ridden ghetto whore.

Often these parlays are met with enthusiasm. But occasionally I get..."Baby, I'm in a friggin meeting!"

But that's neither here nor there, really.

The point of this post was to let those of you who are still at that "sex is a chore" juncture know that...your libido will come back.

But in the meantime, throw your husband a boner, I mean, a bone. It will make him feel loved, and even if that's really low on your list of priorities right now, it will help strengthen your marriage. That may seem silly to us, because we interpret love much differently. But it's the reality of the male psyche. And someday, you will reap the benefits.

It's all very funny, of course, that now the shoe is on the other foot. Husband finds it ironic and terribly amusing.

Sometimes, just because he can, he will say snidely, "What...again?"

Yes, again. And again and again and again. God love the recuperative powers of the female erectile tissue.

Now, you'll have to excuse me...I have some chatting to do. It's Friday night and Mama needs some lovin.

Bow chicka bow wow. Bow bow.



  • At 7:49 AM, Blogger Unknown said…

    HA!!! I was JUST at the site... the marriage bed (google it)... too funny..

    I think it's because I'm in my mid 30's. But also because I'm no longer pregnant or nursing... which took up en entire decade of my sex life.

    Woo Hoo... my dh is pleased. HA! I still do NOT initiate though... ::gasp:: the thought... (I too was raised in a vewy consewvative household! vewy vewy conewvative)

    TMI? Probably... I just pray we never meet face to face. LOL

  • At 7:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh, I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hear ya sister. On all fronts. No, not TMI, the post was not humorous and makes me feel like I'm not alone. For the longest time my switch was stuck in the off position. I was terrified it was going to stay that way, but lately, I have been switched on more and more. Husband is liking the action.

  • At 8:09 AM, Blogger Sarahviz said…

    I'm in the depths of where you once were--3 young children, working full time, tired, tired, tired.
    So it's nice to hear your encouragement. I have, what, another 5 years of this? Hubby will NOT be thrilled with that info!

  • At 8:12 AM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    I was in the opposite type of relationship - I was ALWAYS the one asking and getting turned down, so I can feel for your husband and know how delighted he must be for the turnaround.

  • At 8:37 AM, Blogger Poppy said…

    Definitely not TMI. YAR. :)

  • At 8:57 AM, Blogger Alison said…

    "throw him a boner"--hahahaha.

    Not TMI! It does give me hope that I will want sex more often someday--and you are right, it's because the kids are so physically needy that I feel drained at the end of the day. I know parenting is always challenging in some ways, but I have been telling myself (and my husband) that the physical part of our relationship will heat up when I'm not pulled on so much.

  • At 9:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Not TMI at all.

    Interestingly enough, this busy-ness of toddler/baby rearing has slowed my libido down enough that it more closely matches my husband's. I have always had an incredibly overactive nookie bone and we used to get into fights because I would get emotional if he was too tired (he works 12-14 hour days at a very physical job, so the tired wasn't just a brush-off, even if it felt like it).

    Actually, the scales are even starting to tip to the side of him wanting it more than me, but we're still pretty even now. Makes me a little nervous for the future.

    And you were thinking you wanted another little wiggly chunky baby, now that your time is more your own? I'm biased in favor of babies (especially right now) so I'm kind of rooting for more little B.A. babies. But you sound so content with the way things are now.

  • At 9:44 AM, Blogger Mitzi Green said…

    we went from every day (at least once) to every other day (at least once) to only when the child is with his biological father to only during the full moon to goddammit will you leave me the fuck alone for once to let's have a baby--which is when yours truly got accused of "only wanting to have sex so you can get pregnant." (truth? it was the no longer worrying about getting pregnant that took the pressure off and made doing it fun again.) sometimes i think we (women) can't win. either we don't want it enough or we want it too much. make up your minds, boys.

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger Middle Girl said… the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memries of the way we were

    Oh does this bring back memories, our issues, it turns out were bigger, but oh yes...this too made an appearance in our time together.

    Enjoy the buzzzzz!

  • At 9:49 AM, Blogger nina michelle said…


    as you know my story was the same right up until the whole "rediscovering the male" thing. I sorta skipped passed that part and went on to... well you know.


  • At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This could have been lifted from the story of my life. The winds of change are now swirling around (and around, and around....Boom chicka wah wah), and I actually feel playful again. Who knew it would ever come back?

    Of course, there's the whole scientific/physiological explanation, but I'd rather not think about that right now...

    Great post, and NEI.

  • At 11:35 AM, Blogger Green-Eyed Momster said…

    You sound like me when my youngest was 5 y.o. If you're not careful you're going to end up like me and have teenagers and toddlers. It's a crazy combo. I got pregnant at 36 while on birth control. Be careful. Don't go rocking any cradles or boom! Like me, you'll be prego again! From what I've read, worse things could happen to you!! I almost hope that you do get pregnant again! I'm sorry but I think that if it happened, you'd be okay with him or her!! :)

  • At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    First, by the time you reached the end of the post, you've already decided that it's not TMI.

    Wife and I are horribly mismatched, and have been most of our marriage. I can count on one hand the number of times she initiated in the last 22 years.

    At some point I decided that physical intimacy is really a small part of a successful marriage and accepted once a month.

    Who knows maybe when menopause starts kicking in, the tables will turn, because we are past the endless demands of small children.

  • At 1:48 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I bow down to you and your libido...someday I aspire to be like that.

    For today I just aspire to go to sleep at 10 PM without being groped in my own bed.

  • At 1:48 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I bow down to you and your libido...someday I aspire to be like that.

    For today I just aspire to go to sleep at 10 PM without being groped in my own bed.

  • At 2:10 PM, Blogger Kathryn in NZ said…

    Have the kids walked in on you yet?? I imagine it must be waaaay more embarrassing with nearly teenagers than when the 5 year old does....
    oh, was that TMI too?

  • At 2:32 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    YOu crack my ass right up

  • At 2:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    this is great, and inspiring that someday my life will be different. i have always had more of a drive, but i've now been living in a clinical "sexless" marriage for over 3 years - and I'm only 33. for a while the kids contributed to that, but not for a long while. I'm just getting to the poing where I can totally relate to the "staring at crotches everywhere" thing!!! and, i have the hots for my boss! Yikes!

  • At 3:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Very enjoyable and well written...


  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    Not TMI at all.

    Thank you. Seriously. :)

  • At 7:47 PM, Blogger Rima said…

    This is the first time I've visited your blog, I think, and boy did I pick a good introductory post!

    Seriously, I'm glad you wrote it (although I must say I had to check your date stamp to make sure it wasn't an April Fool's joke).

  • At 10:05 PM, Blogger anne said…

    BA, this is such a good post. I think you and I are the same age. Maybe I should let my hubby read this so he can have some hope.

  • At 11:06 PM, Blogger Girlplustwo said…

    girl, you freaking go.

  • At 2:01 AM, Blogger Carol said…

    Toooo funny! I JUST now posted about the crappiness of menopause and then decided to visit a few of my favorite blogs... beginning with YOURS and THIS post!

    Very funny!


  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger Notes and letters to myself.... said…

    I am 44 --now that's inspiration:) Maybe you just like your husband more?:) ha ha!

  • At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You do see the direct connection between the previous post and this one, yes?

  • At 9:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I read this aloud, laughing and blushing, to my husband. I think it got him hopeful and excited. Thanks for not being afraid to post it!

  • At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Maybe this is TMI for me, but your post made me groan a little. I spent the first five years of our marriage chasing my husband around the apartment while he said things like, "Good god, woman. You need a hobby." The exhaustion of the baby years has evened things out for us. When the babies are grown, I don't want to go back to that much frustration.

  • At 5:05 PM, Blogger Day Dreamer said…

    Oh, I LOVED this post! I'm actually giggling at much of this. I'm in my second (andlastthankyouverymuch!) marriage. I left most of the ugly feelings with the first husband. He pushed and pushed and pushed for stuff that I didn't want along with the normal stuff. When I began dating my finalandforever husband, I couldn't get enough. The baby affected the energy but not the desire. And man oh man the "what again" comments were heard over and over and still I chase him through the house. He teasingly tells me that if my 40's make me want it more that he may need a stand I'm buying him vitamins!!!

  • At 11:37 AM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I dream of the day I don't want sex anymore because it would keep me from resenting my husband for never wanting it (except about once a month in the middle of the night when we're both barely conscious). I mean, come on. I am one hot piece of @$$. This body isn't going to last forever.

  • At 9:38 PM, Blogger Tania said…

    It's never TMI in this voyeuristic land of the blogosphere. BTW, I have that book, and not all the pages are torn out yet, if you need more inspiration.

  • At 12:02 PM, Blogger Marit said…

    Just loved this post! Havn't yet found somebody who is willing to write this explicitly about sex (and really, it's not even that explicit!)
    You got me smiling and then laughing. I look forward to reading more!

  • At 6:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My husband and I were cracking up over this article. We are so there (after having 2 kids). Get your groove on!

    Just noticed it's a really old one but it popped up on Google anyway.


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