A Nigger by Any Other Name: Part II

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Alright. Forget all that heartwarming garbage I posted yesterday. I do. I do want my babies back. Because this shit is hard and I don't want to do it anymore.

There was a fistfight in my front yard yesterday. When Husband went out to break it up, nobody was talking. The only thing we could discern, thanks to Diminutive One, is that our son had been gut punched by another child. Husband sent all the other kids home. He called the parents of the other child involved and explained that there had been a fight but that he was unable to get details from either child.

Five minutes later she called back and said that Pre-pubescent One had called her son a Nigger.

Husband and I were thoroughly and completely shocked. Sick. Sad.

Because we live in an area of the country that has been so thoroughly ravaged by racism and slavery, and is still divided to a degree, we have tried very hard to instill love and acceptance of all people in our children. Not just black people and other minorities, but fat people, skinny people, mentally challenged people, physically disabled people, people with buck teeth, people with big ears. Everybody deserves to be loved for who they are, not what they look like. This is what we have preached, this is how we have lived.

We have encouraged our children to enjoy and embrace other cultures. We have friends of many different ethnicities, through whom we learn about and experience all the wonderful ways in which we differ from one another. We have taught our children that these differences make the world a richer more beautiful place.

And we have suceeded! Our children do not see color, they do not hear halting English, they do not feel the rifts caused by religious divergence. They see a playmate. A friend. A human being.

Pre-Pubescent One is greatly enamored of the African American culture. From the clothing styles to the music, to the slanguage, he loves it all. This is because he has a great many African American friends whom he believes to be the epitome of cool.

My point is, he's no Strom Thurmond. And it's just not in his nature to hate. Which is why the incident was so puzzling and heartwrenching.

Husband and I knew we had to get to the bottom of this thing and fix it. Fast.

Once we had all calmed down, we talked about it. As the facts began to unfold, it became clear that he really had no idea why the word was so terribly insulting and demeaning. Why? Because he had heard his black friends use the word with one another on many occasions.

I know, that's hard to swallow, but stay with me here. I'm not excusing or condoning the use of the word.

My son has never heard that word used in it's orignal context and all the horrible connotations it carries. He has never heard it spoken with contempt and loathing. He has never heard a white man address a black man in this manner. So by sheltering him from this word, we were doing him, as well as his African American friends, a grave disservice. Our intent was to raise a child without the taint of racism. What we didn't realize is that we had to first teach him what it was, to then teach him what it wasn't.

Of course he knows about slavery, but it's a concept in a history book. It's a long forgotten thing in his mind. Slavery is abolished and everything is a-okay as far as he's concerned.

Which brings me to my second point.

I am not black. I can't even begin to understand what it is like to be black. So I realize perhaps I am missing some vital element that would aid in my understanding. But I have said before that I couldn't quite grasp why a people would want to hang onto a word that historically signified opression, hatred, and persecution for their race. But, I never really considered that it might one day impact my life, and so, I suppose, I decided that while perplexing, it was of little import to me.

But now I understand that a word such as "Nigger" affects all of us. Because the it's sad and shameful history will never be dissociated from it, no matter how hard we try. We can't make it a symbol of brotherhood, or solidarity, or triumph, because for too long it was just the opposite. It's a word that unleashes all the hatred and terror of the ages every time it is spoken.

So a hapless child comes along, a child who doesn't appreciate the subleties of racial imprecations. A child who sees only right and wrong. Black and White. And this child uses a word he has heard his friends use, his friends' parents use. A word that is written in song lyrics and spoken in interviews. A word that is seemingly harmless. A word that is often said with a smile and a good-natured poke. A word that is accepted and even embraced by a very large segment of the American Population.

Honestly, how was he supposed to know it's bad?

The way it went down was this:

There was a verbal argument. I'm not sure what it was about, but I think it was a dispute regarding the game they were playing at the time. The other child knocked my son to the ground in a tackle, whereupon my son hit his head, hard enough that it made him cry. If you know anything about 11 year old boys, you know that they would rather vomit than cry in front of their friends. So it must have really hurt. The other child laughed and jeered. This, understandably, angered Pre-Pubescent One. He said to the other child,

"Shut Up Nigger!"

The child punched him. And I suppose, if I were a black child, I would have punched him too.

But he did not say,

"You're nothing but a filthy Nigger."

or

"I don't talk to Niggers"

or

"We don't want any Niggers around here."

Now I know that the word is shocking and sickening no matter the context in which it is used. And he knows that now. But then, he was simply saying something that he had heard them say to one another 100 times. To him, the word was comparable to "sucker".

So we, as a AMERICAN people need to decide, is this a good word, or a bad word? I do not believe it can be both. And I do not believe it can be okay for one race, but not for another. We either strike it from our vocabulary never to be spoken again, or we attempt to nullify the historical implications by making it a part of our common usage. I prefer the former. I don't think the latter is realistic.

My son learned a very hard lesson yeserday. He lost a friend, and he had to face some very angry (and large) parents to apologize. I am concerned that he will face further repercussions on the bus and at school. I hope to God he doesn't get his ass kicked.

And the thing is...I don't really think it's his fault. I'm not going to punish him. I'm sure that many will disagree with that decision. But I am choosing to educate, rather than penalize. He doesn't understand, so I need to make him understand.

I think he needs to watch "Mississippi Burning" or "Roots" or "Rosewood" or "The Ghosts of Mississippi". Maybe I will take him to the King Center. I regret that we did not visit a plantation while we were in Charleston. The Boone Hall plantation has one of the most complete collection of slaves quarters in the country. It was jarring to me to look in those tiny, dank, earthen floored hovels and realize that whole families lived in them. It would have been tangible evidence for him of how horribly slaves were treated and what the African American race has overcome. It's one thing to hear his father and me preach about how African Americans were once treated with less kindness and humanity than dogs. It's quite another to confront it face to face.

So, America...is it a bad word, or a good word? Do we preach against it's use, or do we ignore all the evil inherent to it and accept it as part of a cultural vernacular?

Someone please make a decision so I can let my kid know. Thanks.