The One Where I Ramble About Christianity and Bad Apples

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I've written quite a bit about my lack of faith, my discontent with conventional religious practices, and my frustration with the double standards bred and perpetuated by Christianity. But what I have't written much about is the fact that I was raised in a Christian home.

For many years, God just was.

I didn't question his existence. I didn't look for proof and I didn't look for evidence to the contrary. I believed because I was taught to believe. And I had parents who tried very hard to model what they taught. I don't believe now that Christianity and morality are mutually exclusive terms, but what I knew then was that the reason my parents were so good, was because they wanted to please God. And for that reason, I wanted to please God too.

It was simple. It was easy. It was what was.

But even kids, at a certain age, begin to realize that those who talk the longest and the loudest about what being Godly means, don't necessarily hold themselves to the same standards that they hold others. They use their Christianity as a talisman against the consequences their bad behavior. They use it to excuse and justify. And if they harbor private doubts, they have their salvation to assure them they are going to heaven. They have Jesus in their heart, after all. And Jesus doesn't let his sheep burn in hell, even if they deserve it. Right? Right.

Love they neighbor? Yes, of course, but only if they are Christians. Whites. Heterosexuals. Republicans. Affluent. Forget that Jesus preached love and tolerance and treat non-Christians as if they are the scourge of society and will taint you with their impiety. God will forgive you.

A child can recognize hypocrisy even if they can't name it, and the seeds of discontent were sown before I knew what discontent was. Still, it wasn't until I was a young adult that I became really disillusioned, skeptical and bitter.

So I called it quits with God. But not really. Because in the back of my mind, I wasn't really ready to say that there is nothing and nobody out there guiding us; a higher power holding us accountable, answering our prayers and giving us hope.

I understand why people turn to alternative religious beliefs. Because none of us, even the most avowed atheists, really wants to believe that we are on our own. That there is nothing after death but death. That life is just a series of random events.
That's a big, scary heart squeezing thought, and even that atheist is looking for something that makes sense. We all want to know there is a reason for being here.

So, though I wasn't entirely ready to abandon my belief in a higher power, I was more than ready to say that Christianity was not the spiritual compass by which I wanted navigate life. Who needs church and Christians mucking things up? I could be spiritual anywhere.

Except that I wasn't. And for a very long time, it was okay. I was worshipping at the church of young single womanhood and I hadn't a care.

But then I started getting older, and all of us, as we get older, tend to examine things a little more closely. We begin to take stock. We begin to wonder what it's all for. And when children enter our lives, we begin to see things in a new light. Innocence means something again. The cynisism leaves us as we watch our children discover the world through fresh, unspoiled eyes.

And there's that feeling...the feeling that something as wonderful as innocence can't be an accident. And then we begin to see miracles again. And we wonder, if maybe, we haven't been a little hasty. Maybe, just maybe...God really is as good as we once thought him to be. Maybe...the goodness of children is God's way of balancing out the stinking plague of evil in the world.

And then we begin to worry about protecting that at all costs. Can something so divine be protected without divinity? Can our precious, unsullied children survive the ugliness of life without the benefit of spiritual guidance, comfort and reason? Have we denied them something VITAL?

It's enough to give even the most stalwart non-believers pause, and yes, it has given me pause. I wonder if I am denying my children the solace and certainty that comes with belief in a spiritual axiom.

So what has me thinking about this? Well, it's part of a slow awakening that comes with getting older I guess. For a long time I've been thinking about all the reasons I abandoned faith and thinking that maybe, I let the wrong things influence me. I can see shades of gray now, where before, my eyes would only perceive black and white.

So, I've been inching slowly, inexorably closer to a new journey towards spirituality of some kind. It's the way I do things. I examine. I ponder. I gather snippets of information like squirrels gather nuts for winter, storing them up until I need them. And then, I do it all over again until I'm comfortable making a decision. It's laborious, but it has served me well.

So this is where I have been for several years and I'm making some progress. Am I lost? No, I don't think so. I'm really okay. For the first time, however, I'm willing to consider that I could be better.

But it's amazing how one person can derail another on their life journey.

Now...I know that nasty, bitter, hypocritical and judgemental people come in all shapes, sizes and religious affiliations. And I know Christians have not cornered the market on bigotry or narrowmindedness. And I know that nobody can be a perfect, unblemished example of their chosen beliefs all the time. People make mistakes and have bad days. They get angry, depressed, downhearted and disillusioned. In other words, we are all human. I get that. And so did Jesus.

But when one is struggling, questioning, searching....the representatives they encounter from any group have a huge impact on them. And when a person, who repeatedly and stridently stresses their affiliation with a certain group...let's just say Christianity... but continually acts in a manner that contradicts the teachings and tenets of that group...well, it just serves to underscore all the reasons one left that group to begin with. And it makes one question all over again the wisdom of returning to a group that sanctions such behavior.

I have recently encountered such a person. I have been dealing with her for two very long months. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am somewhat incredulous. And I find that my motivation to suspend my skepticism and open my heart to new possibilities has been drastically undermined, if not completely destroyed.

I know this is wrong of me. Logically, I realize that she does not exemplify Christianity and that every group has it's wingnuts. And I know it's wrong to let one person influence my feelings about anything. But I still can't help wanting to run as far and as fast as my legs can carry me from church, spirituality, Christians...the whole shebang.

Our time together is, thankfully, drawing to a close. But the experience has left me wondering. I wonder if any of us is really aware of how our behavior affects other people and their opinion of the myriad of things we represent. I wonder if I have influenced people positively with respect to the various things I have represented. Yankee. Agnostic. Wife. Stay at Home Mom. Breastfeeder. Doula. PTA Member. Team Mom.

Was it...

"Gee, she's pretty cool for a ___________. I need to get together with her more."

or...

"That's exactly why I don't _____________. I'll steer clear of her and ________ from now on."

I hope it was mostly the former. I'm sure there are times that it was the latter.

I think we could all be more aware of how we influence people with our words and actions. People evaluate and judge. A deed or a comment that may seem insignifacnt to us, might carry a wealth of meaning for someone on the outside looking in.

As for myself...well, I have a pretty bad taste in my mouth right now. But I realize ultimately, my path is deterimined only by me.

"We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it after a journey no one can take for us or spare us."
~Marcel Proust~