When Smart Kids Go Stupid

My kids are smart. I think I've mentioned that a time or two, but I don't go on and on about how smart, because well...it's annoying. Both of my children are considered gifted and both have issues that are often associated with very smart children. My oldest child has ADD. My youngest child is Spirited.

After a lot of soul searching, information gathering, and the advice of a good therapist, we decided to medicate the oldest for his ADD. He takes Strattera. I will not put him on stimulants, and thankfully, he has a relatively mild case of ADD without the hyperactivity, so it's unlikely he will need them. The medication does alleviate many of the problems that made reaching his true potential almost impossible. He can now focus and stay on task quite well.

But what medication can't do, is make him care. It can't motivate him to strive for excellence. He is so smart there is absolutely no end to what he could achieve. But he is lazy and apathetic. I am at my wits end with him.

Today he received progress reports and his were all dismal. Missing and incomplete assignments, quizzes with barely a passing grade, comment after comment from his teachers about how he is not living up to his potential. I wanted to shake him.

I don't even know how to convey how frustrating it is to know that your child is capable of so much, but just will not put forth the effort. I don't know how to make it important to him. I don't know how to make him understand that if he screws this up, he will end up working at a minimum wage job, or doing manual labor. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But there is nothing quite as disheartening as being stuck somewhere you don't belong and knowing that you could have been and done so much more. I know.

Because 25 years ago, I was the same way. And I remember my Mom and Dad sitting me down time after time, telling me how smart I was, and how I could be anything I wanted to be, and how they wanted me to have the kind of life they couldn't because they didn't have the resources to obtain an education. And I remember just tuning them out and telling myself how DUMB they all were and how they just didn't understand. But understand what? I didn't know. I didn't know myself why it didn't matter to me. Why I didn't want their approval. Why I absolutely hated school. I still don't.

I could do the work. Easily. I just didn't want to. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy learning. I did. I devoured books and I wrote like crazy, and I thirsted for knowledge about certain things. Art. Drama. History. Mythology. Each week I had a new interest, a new yearning. I could learn more on my own than I could in a whole semester of class, and I did. But they don't put that stuff on your permanent record and it doesn't help you get into college. And it doesn't keep you from flunking out because you were too apathetic to hand in any homework.

He is me, and I can't help him. Because I never figured why I did what I did.

But I know what happens when you do what I did. A person ends up bored and frustrated and full of regret because they realize what they've missed out on and what they could have been. And they castigate themselves for being so stupid and shortsighted and for not listening to people who just wanted the best for them and who knew a hell of a lot better than they did how life would turn out without education, without opportunities. Without OPTIONS.

How do you convey to an 11 year old the regrets of 37 years? You can't. And that's the tragedy I'm facing right now. I see where he is going and I can do nothing to stop it. I can do nothing to make him SEE.

Oh, I can do all the same stuff my parents did. And we do. We remove privileges and we lecture and we reinforce how smart he is and how he could be the next Bill Friggen Gates if he put his mind to it. But it didn't work for them, and it's not going to work for us. My kid is on the path to ruin and I can only watch him stumble blindly down it. When he was a baby, I could simply pick him up and remove him from harm's way and then set him back down on his sturdy, dimpled little legs. And he would simply toddle off in the direction I chose for him, safe and content. But it's not that goddamned easy any more.

I don't know what to do. I can see the distance in his eyes when I'm talking to him. I can see him mentally lalalala-ing. So do I stop trying? Do I let him suffer the consequences? I suppose that would be the logical thing to do but HOW can I as a parent allow my child to squander all the potential he has been given?? HOW can I in good conscience let him waste his gifts, knowing he will end up unhappy and disillusioned?? On the other side fo the coin, I wonder how much I can push before I push him away forever. The day I turned 18 I left home, tired of being reminded of all I had not accomplished. But Jesus, they were just trying to help. They were just trying to help.

The other day on the phone I poured out all my frustration to my mother and when I was finished, there was dead silence. In her silence, I heard her trying to formulate a response that wouldn't make me feel even more despondant. When she spoke, finally she said..."You're doing everything you can. The rest is up to him." And I took that to mean that she finally realized that she hadn't failed me as much as I had failed myself.

I hope that someday, when my brilliant son is working at Taco Bell, I can be that kind to myself. I hope I can remember that.

In the meantime, I guess I put myself in the enemy camp. I will be the uncool Mom, the slavedriver Mom, the you can do better Mom. But I hope one day he will see that I was the you can do anything my beautiful, brilliant child Mom. The I love you no matter what and only want the best for you Mom.

It's all I can do. It's all I have. Hope.